Last Go, Largest Mountain..?

Logic clearly illustrates that the hardest part is behind us, but for some insane reason it really feels impossible to take ourselves back in. To know that the illness is no longer present, but that the typical stats - which really haven't fit our mold yet, scream that this monster will invade faster, harder and smarter if we stop treatment too soon... it's a two-sided coin that constantly erodes delicate budding confidence in any of our blind decisions.

The evil monkey dancing around in the back of my brain, pulling out wires and plugging them back in willy-nilly, taunts me with fears that the last few days of chemo will have some horrible effect on my son's long-term health. He has seemed so unflappable to this point, almost too good to be true. I find myself holding my breath at every twitch or nod, searching for a clue.

I am so exhausted.
Ineffective.
Small.
I want to get off the ride, now.

And yet, others do this gauntlet and far worse ones for years.
I am Feckless.

Christmas or Wednesday?

I can think back to prior christmas seasons and remember trying to jar the magic of the season. There is something about it that cannot be duplicated nor adequately expressed. I find my feelers passing through open air this year which, in light of how birthdays hardly caused a ripple as they breezed by, I expected. I have no real saddness over the omission, but more of an impartial acceptance. These landmarks are for the next generation, after all - right? I do find myself delighted by the little sleigh Patrick found for Kaleb.

Snapped more shots of the monster:

And at the response of some interest, a sneek-peek at the business renos:

Happy Holidays Everyone!

I dream of paint.

...on account of how much of it I've been doing. What's it been? A month since I started? Blech. Another couple of hours at it and I'll be finished for good. I do not recommend spreading such a project over a long period of time. On the plus side, I do think my posterior is slightly more pert from all that up & down on the ladder... ;o)

We've been delegated to home line care due to Kaleb's remaining little lumen clotting faster than they can get the magic juice in on their regular schedule. I kind of like playing nurse - feel pretty comfortable with it, after watching and assisting for the last five months.

I can hardly believe there's only one more round to go. The weight of impending massive relief pins my emotions down quite tidily, which appeals to my sense of order. I know I'll have my complete crumble at some point and every once in a while I feel those unruly sentiments threatening my productivity. I stare at something so wholly "healthy child" of Kaleb's like some silly toy and the cracks pop and hiss across my thin veneer. As the end dances its little strip tease before us, my white-knuckle grip finds less and less purchase. I just hope I can have my little moment, pull everything together and truck on without too much nonsense.

I often think of the many loved ones with their own mountains set before them. Like my own personal news-ticker, the constant reel through my mind holds a solid perspective before me. You each know who you are. We love you and TeamEmms is chearing you all on.

A couple of recent photo ops:

Big Man Standing

He pulled his first attempt at standing not 10 minutes ago. Perhaps consignment to the play pen corral has necessitated ventures into new activities. Little turkey was talking right at us when he let go that second hand and tottered from toe to heel for a good 20 seconds before TIMBERing down onto his posterior and erupting into a fit of giggles. We, of course, exploded with applause and "atta boy!"s.

His development seems to be advancing at mach 10 these days. He's already caught his fingers in a kitchen cupboard door and climbed over the impervious Short Lab. The Boxer continues to evade his advances - the first wise thing that big dummy has figured out.

Hope everyone's having as great a weekend as we are!

Kaleb's Co-horts:

Happy Home

The simple fact that I can observe a sticky, chubby hand reaching for my husband's lightly bristled face brings tears very close to the surface. The sun back lights the cozy elements of our living room. The riot of colour overflowing the toy bin, the little red barn, the warm green walls and even the cheap pile area rug all offer soft textures of life that elude the hard hospital environment. The frost crowds the windows and crunches underfoot on the deck. I can feel the crisply frayed edges of my stress and anxiety melting beneath the warmth of my family's peaceful actions. I've been plowing through this term of treatment with blinders on in an effort to just get through it. Our sudden release yesterday triggered an automatic opening of doors that I was not prepared for. The instant contrast blind-sides me with an almost painful, sweet relief.

Kaleb seems to be holding his good cheer - moon/tooth crisis over!! He continues to increase his daily intake of solids as well as formula. I think we're in another growth spurt - we can't seem to keep the little turd topped off! He slipped in to the home routine without a hitch, remembering his last visit here, for a change. His exploring is at an all-time high, to such a degree that we've had to resort to the play pen. We simply can't keep up! Forget a bathroom break. Our little shadow is everywhere and delicate puppy faces are the most fun thing to play with.

The progress on my shop has been hardy, if I do say so. I've got 2/3 of it painted and does it ever look like a new building! The work has been healing and forward-focusing, which is just so fortifying for the psyche. I'm really excited to open my doors with a whole new vibe and can't wait to start working again.

The light in our tunnel is blinding and I'm having a difficult time not jumping ahead. We still have the last round to get through - during the festive season, no less. I'm already trying to nail down a time line of what to expect once we sign out of the ward for the last time. I'm SO jazzed to get back to 'real' life. This nightmare detour is almost over!

Before the Possession.

A Week From the Depths of....

So I'm a little dramatic. So is the Monster. I keep swivelling my head as fast as I can to catch the nurses rolling their eyes at us - which I never manage to actually see, as we're fretting at "normal" baby behaviour. Thing is, if it's not his normal, it's cause for concern in our minds. When brainstorming for solutions, we honestly don't CARE what other babies do. He's communicating and we're trying to listen... while not losing our hearing.

A good friend once said of Patrick that he was ornery. We loved that and well, if I don't top this primal element of his personality, I'm certainly right there beside him with my own full measure. It stands to reason then that this would then be an excellent descriptor for our son. We attribute much of his success thus far to this ah... condition.

We may be through the worst of tooth #4. I say it with caution, but this morning was his first in 6 to not wake up screaming and he maintains his good cheer through the day, unassisted by Tylenol.

Of course, this week was the most spectacular one to be gallant and pull a 24-hour shift for the sake of Poor Patrick's b-day. He was getting run down from too many fitfull nights. I've discovered the secret, though. You have to go into the shift not as though it's night time and therefore we must be sleeping. You must store your energy through the day and anticipate many disturbances. At least, that made all the difference for me. Instead of being confused and frustrated at 3 a.m., I was happily comforting and snuggling.

Various other little annoyances for our boy include a fat lip from bumping his new tooth on who-knows-what, and a few melon bruises that linger due to low blood counts. The kid has GOT to learn to put his hands out if he's going to pull tumbling routines in that crib!! He's also been put on antibiotics due to a fever. Everyone is sure it was a teething fever and it did in fact fade within an hour, but they're covering everyone's assets. If nothing else, it'll aid his body in healing those little bumps and bruises. Of course, once started, the policy is a 48-hour process, but oh well.

We're hopeful that our release comes on or just after the weekend.

Tooth #4 is on the doorstep!

Now if only the sucker would come in! We've hardly noticed the arrival of the first 3, but this one is causing our poor little man some trouble.

Still, if that is the most dramatic issue to mark our days, we're thankful.

We've been busy bees, taking advantage of the amazing weather to get in some very late winterising. I think we're officially there. I've even dug out some of my old cans of paint to give the shop a face-lift. Feels really good to be productive.

I don't want to jinx us, but mention was made of possibly being home for christmas. Our cycle would have us waiting in hospital for reactions to his last round of chemo, but as his history thus far has been solid, they may allow us to recoup at home with extreme caution. I have mixed feelings about that. Of course, there will be no visiting family this year for any of us... I suppose it could be a very restful special experience. I'm also going through a reaction that I'm told many do - the abrupt absense of our safety net wants to worry at me. While I'd like to think we're level headed enough to handle things should anything happen, I know the truth. No adverse reactions yet have happened to truly test us. I've seen what can happen on the other children on the floor and the possibilities are beyond petrifying. Again, I will push that out of my mind. No sense borrowing what isn't here yet.

Circles Never Cease.

This heavy, insidious monster invades every nook of our lives. How can we celebrate our own victory when friends fall all around us?! Babies who have yet to taste life, young adults with bright roads ahead of them, older souls who have earned every right to a gentle twilight. It's this ugly constant barage of pain. Good people who deserve nothing but good things. How can anyone maintain hope and joy in life? Just when you finally pull yourself together and begin to feel lightness in your heart, there is another victim.

I used to be so afraid of THE NEWS. I didn't know how to approach those dealing with the demon, how to help, how not to pry at the freak show. Like anything else, once you're plunked into this world, you see it everywhere... except that I'm ashamed to admit I've always seen it everywhere. Unlike the spanking new car clones suddenly zipping past every few minutes, I have conscious memory of turning a blind eye again and again - within my own family as well as without. When I try to examine why, I cannot help but doubt my own answer of "intent to give space to deal". I now truly understand the need for this and am relieved that my secondary motivation was sound. Yet I know instinctively that it was always the second bird. The primary target for my stone was always the selfish protection of my own heart. I am cowed with my prior lack of courage on behalf of friends and family. I can only hope that yet another silver lining of our little cloud is that I will come through stronger for those who might need me.

Wilma we love you. Thank you for sharing your eclectic grace and beautiful light with us. Team Emms is stronger for knowing you.

The Very Talented Whiteside Family!

I spent a very entertaining evening at the Lion's Manor tonight.

The first twang of Caleb's fiddle whirled me back to a 19th century good ol' fashioned country fair. I could almost feet the straw bale under my butt and the straw hat on my head! For an hour and a half, three generations of the Whiteside family plied their varried talents to instruments that danced gleefully at their fingertips. I was so impressed with everyone's obvious love of what they do, from 5 year-old Hannah's 'princess' voice to Grandpa's silver tongue! How they all charmed their audience.

Yet again, generosity from all corners of our world has blown the boundaries of belief.

Thanks to everyone who has rallied behind us, we are set to come through this with very little set-back. Every effort has been sincerely felt and appreciated and we look forward to the very close day when we can turn our efforts outward. Here's to an entirely NEW year!!!

Super Spider Baby

It's been what? ...three days? He's already figured out how to lower himself gently from standing. Of course, that doesn't mean he doesn't still occasionally pitch himself backward in glee. I think we've got a livewire. He also loves to rock the crib like his own personal boat. We're continuing to work on our "mamamas", "dadadas", bubububs", "uhpfs" and he's recently added clicking to his vocabulary, which fits in just perfectly with the singling lady's songs!

This round is going very smoothly so far. Vital door notes in place right off the hop: "Please no garbage pick up at 3 a.m." and it's smooth sailin'! Kaleb is handling the new chemo in his typical superhero fashion. A simple request to not have a student nurse and the door isn't opening 30 more times a day - far less disruptive when trying to put Mr. Crankypants down.

Recent Escapades

Damn those are cute toes!!!


Downward Facing Dog... or has he just been watching the dogs a little too closely?


Airplane is such a fun ride!!!

And he's Off N' ...Shuffling..?

We're In.

Back at it today. Bit of a bungle getting us admitted that had the little man and I floating for more than an hour, but we survived and are all snuggled in.

Kaleb is not exaclty comfortable with the sudden restriction. He's been mapping out the floor plan of our house for the last week and is now behind bars. He is, however, getting very good at shuffling laps around the perimeter of the crib, fishing along the bars and gnawing on the top rail. We've already had to Kaleb-proof anything within (his) reach outside the crib. Boredom makes him latch on to the smallest opportunity for entertainment like a leach. He's fast, direct and very sure whatever it is belongs in his hands, and subsequently, his mouth.

There has got to be something in the air, lately. On three major fronts we've had unprecendented difficulty with big so-called professional forces on putting into effect very small and every-day things. So much nonsense is causing some serious stress. Why must one be a complete a$$hole to get what should have been done in the first place, done?! And I mean, we have tried to be pleasant with all three facets for weeks.

I'm sure I can't name names without some serious repercussions, and I know what dealing with the government is like first-hand (used to work in my own branch) but it is UNREAL when a time frame of 2 weeks is given for an every-day proccess that is an agent's entire job description, and over 3 months passes with numerous phone calls to said agent and supervisors and STILL there is no result.

Never mind the monster coporation that sold us a defective brand new product and failed after numerous communications over the span of a month to remedy the issue, to the point that we had to get the parts and repair the unit ourselves. Again, we had even spoken to some corporate big-wig. ..???!

And then there's the very alien world we find ourselves submersed in on Kaleb's behalf. We are grateful for the results they are rendering with their efforts. The ways in which they come to the final answer do often leave our heads spinning. Protocols and individual tendencies of every person working on his behalf are extremely trying to our tiny lay-person brains and psyches. 99% of the staff really is spectacular, but it is truly amazing how one rude nasty apple can colour your entire world there a whole new ugly. There's absolutely NO reason or room for a professional to yell at or bully anyone on this floor (colleagues or caregivers). This entire floor's heartbeat is children in very shattering struggles and their very fragile caregivers. There also seems to be no room for value of good ol' fashion sleep to heal a body. There is disruption to Kaleb's sleep cycle that seems (from our ignorant perspective) completely avoidable, if only someone would ask us his routine before mapping out a treatment and try to incorporate things a little smoother... we could double-hit this thing from both fronts. And we're not talking a couple of hours missed, he literally misses out on half a day and half a night. That just has to be working against him. Thank goodness chemo is only 6 days this round.

Sure am thankful for the opportunity to vent. Sometimes just getting it all out helps heaps.

Have you seen my PANTS?!

It's a little blurry, but certainly provides a clear picture of Kaleb's latest game. He's SO proud when discovered in this position, having wrestled the heck out of those bothersom pants and pulled himself up to call us in.

His little farm is one of his favourite toys!

It's Done!

I know that's what my mastermind sister-in-law, Steph is finally saying today. I can just picutre her propped up on the sofa, with her feet elevated and a cold cloth on her head while her two little ones buzz around her... Except I know the reality to be exactly the opposite. That woman has already motored on to her next project. You're just insane, girl! And we're beyond lucky to be part of your circle.

The Teulon Social was a raging success. We are so grateful to everyone who hustled to pull it off, everyone who donated their time and skills (such as the sound crew and bartenders who volunteered their services, not to mention all the people doing everything from filling plates of munchies to ticket sales to you-name-it), and certainly we're thankful to everyone who attended! There were over 40 prizes donated by very generous friends, family and strangers-come-friends. Really, it's all impossible to wrap our heads around!

It's just amazing how something like this illuminates who really is by your side... People I never would have guessed, people who do more than I could ever keep track of, and people I didn't even know knew anything of us. The word of an ill child really does spread further than I could have ever comprehended. I know I will be working hard to effect a balance for years to come.


On a fun little side-note, my grandmother sent my mother and I a spa-package!! It was spectacular to escape reality for a few hours, not to mention being buffed and pummelled into oblivion!

We've been fortunate to have a full 14 days off between treatments this time. What a DIFFERENCE it makes! We've finally been able to completely let go of our tension and truly enjoy our time together, even to the point of enjoying some time apart - lol! I continue to take solace in simple normalcy like grocery shoppping and cleaning the fridge out. Funny how such prior nuisances can hammer one more hefty peg into the constantly billowing parachute that is my inner turmoil. I have this fervent urge to nail down every square inch of that damned slippery fabric.

More Home Shots!

I actually got out for a ride today!! Thank you Tracey for calling me out. Fantastic weather and very well behaved horses. Gotta love a good horse. I was thinking of all my other horsey friends, hoping you were able to take advantage of the day!


Kaleb is progressing by leaps and bounds. He's quite hilarious with his tantrums and fits, often climbing up in his crib in order to punctuate his yelling with some serious stomping. He's mapped out the entire living room via scuttling, including the insides of some pots housing plants... so worth the look on his face when feeling clumps of dirt. We also tried yams - SO not a fan. Talk about hilarious faces! He even threw in a few shudders for good measure. He climbs on EVERYTHING. Whatever level he's reached, it doesn't hold his attention long before he spots a higher place to be. He's still wanting to taste everything but is more interested in how it feels and how it was put together. I notice toys with tiny balls that cascade inside them are catching his attention while his reflection and mine have gotten boring. It is so much fun to watch his development unfurl while here at home.

Winter Preps

We're finally home. Kaleb, as before, loves the change in scenery. We had to drop his crib mattress, little monkey child. Of course, put him down on the area rug and watch him go! Reminds me of some kind of wind-up toy.

Feels good to pick away at little to-dos around the house as a team. I'm always wanting to tweak our dog fencing and I've got all the windows plastic-ked. Feels warmer in here already. We've finally found someone to hang our tricky storm door and toughen up the weather-stripping. No more North Wind in this house! I think we'll do much better with our energy bill this year, not to mention having a sounder home for Kaleb.

Some of the first activities Kaleb did once home were...

Laps around the area rug

Went for a horse ride

Watched his favourite dvd

Still Waiting...

We're looking at a possible discharge tomorrow, Tuesday. My frustration is constantly overshadowing the truth, here. Kaleb isn't bouncing back as fast. The chemo was stronger this time and he had to battle a vaccine, additionally. Not ideal. For him, physically or for us, emotionally.

Did you know that you can completely dissolve a 400 page novel in the washing machine? It's true. I'm particularly regretting that moment of inattention... I was only on chapter 10. And of course, I don't go for the trendy best seller that's on every shelf. I scrounge the discount bin for the rare over-looked gem. Arhg. Maybe I'll hit the library...

Waiting is Painful

There were loud whispers of us going home today, but the reality is we're either in until tomorrow or even Monday. Bummer. Patrick and I both are craving to have our trio under one roof again. It's difficult to remember that Kaleb's counts are what are holding us back. He bounces and squeals all day long yet his little internals are taking more time to recover from this harder hit of chemo.

Tis the season of student and new nurses. Another painful though necessary occurrence. It was difficult enough to establish a cohesive rhythm with the solid regulars - I definitely don't envy their positions of having to learn every family's "isms" and balance them like court jesters. Most of them are very skilled at keeping things smooth but now that we're all on the same page, a whole new crew of nervous learners are fumbling about. They're so caught up in getting it "right" that they've lost their common sense, it seems. I appreciate the awkward newness of their situations, but not the disruption of our man's precarious sleep schedule. He needs to sleep to heal, after all - and to maintain his charming disposition, for that matter! It was the same when I had him, except I was the practice pig and had the bruises to prove it. I suppose it's just a necessary step to creating good nurses and without the good ones, the entire process would be way beyond a nightmare!!

Photo Post!

From sleeping to this in 0.2 seconds...

One of his favourite things... the daily "boat ride" on the weigh scale...

Peek-a-boo is an awesome game...

He is SO the man in the big-boy chair...

His vehicle of choice. We tied a strap on it and do laps around the ward almost hourly...

I'm back.

Thanks for all the encouraging posts and words. And thanks just as much for all the silence, lmao! It's not pretty when you lose your lid and sometimes it's just nice to pretend it's still there until it returns. I've got to say, after my little public purge I slept like a rock! Finally.

Kaleb continues to grow and develop like a dandelion.

He's fiesty and loving, perfecting his sloppery, two-tooth-crunching kiss (he tries to fit your entire face in his mouth while the sweet-talks you, stares you down and pulls your hair). We may have to refine his courting moves after puberty...

He's become a very strong at his standing, often hanging onto the side of crib for an entire episode of Franklin or Comfy Couch. He's quite the little opportunist for getting into position, adeptly manipulating the nearest person into setting him up. I think we have a future climber of every THING.

He's also a rockstar. Quite an array of music charms his ear and he can often be seen bobbing his little head in time to either a noisy toy or a commercial jingle while he plays. The music lady maintains #1 Visitor Position. He loves to sing along and shake his noise-makers while bouncing and rocking out on the nearest knee.

He's still thinking about crawling. The card table is his fall-back manoeuvre but he's caught on to the grab and pull move. He's charted every inch of that crib.

Ironing Out Inevitable Wrinkles - HEAVY post

The machine wizzed and whirred beneath my feet. I held my shoulders back, core solid and swung my legs hard, pelvis as open as I could with toes pointing forward. ONE. TWO. ONE. TWO. The treadmill absorbed the punishment I slammed out the bottoms of my feet. If only I could pound my haunting depression out so easily! I willed it with EVERY. SINGLE. STOMP!

This derailment of my family's serene, humble little path seems to have nudged me toward the edge of the precipice. I am ANGRY. I am confused. I am lost. My self as I know how to be fixes things. She carves her dreams out of life and celebrates every tiny victory of every tiny being. She stands at the top of her mountain and reaches down for anyone scrambling to share the view. She laughs into the wind and dances in the rain.

Oh man, am I angry. I detest being this pathetic, ineffective, ungracious little gnat. I am confused. I am so fortunate to have such an amazing life... more than I even knew what or how to dream of. I worked hard to effect what I wanted and when life picked me up into a whirlwind of amazing journeys, I hung on tight and drank it all in like a starved dog. Then I got cocky. I was convinced that if a person just opened themselves up and threw every ounce of their positive energy out there, it would all come back. Sure, I did appreciate and cherish every little thing gifted to me, but I pitied those who could not find their own Utopia. Who am I to pity anyone? What gave me the right to shake my head for any reason?

I am surrounded by crumbling health and tumbling hearts. There is just nothing like watching a child's health be battered before helpless parents' eyes.

I hide, as best I can, myself from my husband. I know that it is not functioning as a true team, as we promised to be to each other through this. All the man ever wanted out of life was a solid little family. The least I can do for one who lays his entire self in my hands, is give him that. I've always felt that my hands were just too small to hold him all, and yet, I find myself impossibly more ill-equipped, of late. He's had so, so much to carry, himself. There should be a quota... "Any one person on this Earth is entitled to only so many life trials". Only, I haven't had to suffer very many, myself. Maybe I'm the one throwing the curve...

Clearly, I've got a mere fingertip on this edge of my sanity. I dance a little dosie-doe with my solid logic and emotional turmoil all day long. I know, for instance, that there are just as many happy stories on our floor as there are not. We are one such story and I feel some guilt but more relief about that. I also know that it's the constant pressure of our situation, combined with a stalled professional pursuit that's dipping me down into this black pool. I have been working, in some fashion, toward my goals since I was 13 and had no goals, other than climbing up onto the back of the nearest horse. Additionally, I know that I have endless love and support from a massive and formidable network of family and friends. Most of all, I know (I HOPE) that I will return to myself when this all blows over and life settles into a mundane routine. I will NEVER again wish for the tiniest second for something exciting to shake things up. Now that "I" is no longer just me, this kind of happenstance has massive reverberating effects.

Part of me still wonders if all that positive self I was tossing about willy-nilly earned us some points... we're definitely going to get through this - in some respects better off than we went in. What exactly is the "Power of the Universe"? I am way too small for questions so massive.

Our man is doing well, by the way. Tackling a little digestive bug and losing some weight, but is in fiesty good spirits and continuing to hold his own. He is our rock.

Another Surgery

One of his Central Lines blocked up on us this week. Repeated attempts to get it flowing again failed and the call was made to pull it. He's due to go under for his routine Spinal and Biopsy in another two weeks, but they feared infection before then. He sailed through the 20 minute procedure, as usual. Dealing with only one line is almost as much a relief as having the opportunity to watch one site heal... I can't help but latch on to and treasure the false feeling of being that much closer to the end.

My stomach churns when I think of all that his little body is going through to eradicate this monster. Before he is one year old, he will be older than I am. There are those who rage that traditional medicine is an unnecessarily toxic method of battling cancer, that a better way to go about it is to build the body up nutritionally. While every fibre of my being screams at what's being done to him, my rational wizard knows there's nothing we could have done better to avoid this situation to begin with. I can't, from our experiance, lend credence to the whole "build from within" approach. Additionally, this type of Leukemia doesn't give us time for such a laid-back action plan. It hits hard and fast, and so must we.

I often have the sensation of jumping off a cliff without my eyes.

Yet Another Amazing Performance

I was worried that this stronger round of chemo would slow him down, but there's just no doing it! The doctors keep shrugging their shoulders and shaking their heads.

Almost as soon as he hit that crib mattress, he was practicing his crawling. I just love watching him wabble back & forth on all fours like a cheap card table! It's his new favourite ride. He even managed to push himself back up into a sitting position at one point, though we've yet to see the fluke again.

A shot of his practice work:

A typical sequence of Kaleb faces:

Some snapshots of our stay at home this round...

This is my toy bin.
My favourite dance. I'm a little tea pot...

These are my toys!

Necessary Evils

There’s something so emptying about watching your child submit to anaesthetic, as though your own life force drains right out the bottom of your being while you watch his vivacious consciousness fade. Eyes droop, chubby legs reluctantly give up their feisty activity and drop to the mattress, busy fingers still, as though someone pressed pause. Though I’ve watched many an animal go through this, I could not stay in the room for Kaleb’s little operation. He was in and out in less than 30 minutes, letting the world know at top volume that he did not appreciate the sneak-attack. Even while he was trying to re-establish his equilibrium, I could not relax. He downed an entire bottle and had a 10 minute power snooze only to burst awake, look around and let loose his signature screech, in three short bursts to say Hullo to all who were there. Not until then could I let loose the breath my entire body had been holding.

These bone marrow tests and spinal taps will occur every round and are performed there every day. My brain knows the logic of this situation, and yet I cannot force my emotions to reason it out.

Back in on Friday. I'm eager to pass the mid-point. This round will be shorter, but stronger. I'm hopeful that our little man can continue to hold up so well.

What a whopping storm today!

Our first "snow" storm. It's in quotations because any real Manitoban knows it's not going to last. They're not real "snow" storms until the darned stuff doesn't leave.

Spent the better part of today in "Clinic" (turns out that's the most popular bouncing oncology word). Kaleb went 2 for 2 with his lines - damaged the right one yet again. The little turd is FAST with those hands! Thank goodness for the nurses. I don't say that enough. They're excellent on the ward during our stays and they've magically repaired the tricky tap into his little system both times, sparing us another surgery to do a re-install. Whew.

More tests on Tuesday. Spinal Tap and marrow biopsy Wednesday. Admitting and commence Round 3 on Friday. Giddy UP.

I've yet to come down from our last round. Three days home and I'm still strung tighter than a round bale. I don't really know why and feel sick to my stomach that I'm wasting this precious re-charge time rolling around in my own insidious emotions. It's just like staring at those gloating, glowing numbers at night, watching the hours tick by as you try to fall asleep. I've said before that I'm better at the in & out, that Patrick is the long-hauler. So true.

WE'RE HOME!!!

Yet another surprise release!

Our first move once unloaded from the truck was to bundle him up for a walk through the bush...

Oh the cute clothes they have for kids!! He LOVED checking out scenery other than the ward!! The horses intimidated him a tad at first, but it wasn't long before he was sizing up their velvety noses!!

Kaleb's much more animated about his "new" old surroundings. He was very interested and happy to be here. Of course, having fallen asleep on Dad and then waking up by himself in his "new" old crib freaked him right out. A few minutes of snuggling with Mom and scoping out his "new" old room, a familiar bed buddy from the hospital and he was good to go back to sleep - thank goodness!

I never imagined how good it could be to be home.

Wrapping up Round 2.

He sailed through yet another treatment, even with a runny nose.

He's had one blood tranfusion, one platelet and is scheduled for another shot of blood before we leave.

I'm hopeful that we'll be out at the begining of this week, but it will likely be closer to the end.

We attached a strap to the front of his walker and take our laps around the ward like that. He LOVES the higher level of interactive play and everyone remarks on his hot new wheels.

He continues to wake up cheerily from almost every nap, maintains a fierce love of the bathtub (woe to anyone who calls an end to bathtime), and remains an active rider of the knee horse. He's perfected sitting up on his own and rarely takes an unintended dive for the mattress anymore. He's also cleverly figured out how to move from the sitting position to kneeling upright against the crib bars that are so delectable to taste. Thankfully, he has yet to figure out sitting up from a prostrate position. Still, as his energy picks up, so do the crib bars. This will NOT be one case of child-topples-from-crib. Apparently, the paperwork is exhausting.

the Man

I'm a sniffling mess. You guys have such fantastic descriptions and really captured him in your words.

I've been really enjoying a side to our man that we don't get to see often. He's typically so busy flirting and exploring that cuddling is a rare and precious moment. I've always encouraged this independence, not wanting to create an insecure velcro-child. Due to his recent sinus issues, he's been feeling quite cuddly, choosing to sit quietly and play little nuzzling games rather than the rip-roaring antics he's famous for. You can bet this mom is lapping it up while it lasts!

He's still very good at playing on his own for up to 40 mins at a time. We're always impressed with the conversations he kicks up with his toys and the new angles he constantly invites us to join in viewing old things... shoes are very mysterious. Remote controls are truly a man's best friend, and plastic window blinds are fabulous dancers, when provided with a little 'batting' encouragement from chubby hands.

And the "starburst" move... that's a fabulous expression of frustration and/or delight. The monster pushes out all his extremities with as much energy as his little form can muster. His chubby fists close tightly, his toes point as far as they can and his face gets beet red. Sometimes his tongue is sticking out, sometimes both his eyes and mouth are shut. More often that not, he's slyly peeking out to watch for our reactions. Typically, his high-pitched Veloci-raptor screech announces the end and release of this particular pose. Goody.

It's true, he can only navigate backward in the walker. I do have to say though, that he's getting quite good at discerning just how to reach what it is he's aiming for. Not as acurate yet as his rolling escapades. This kid has truly mastered the landscape of his hospital crib. Whatever catches his eye is doomed as he quickly wiggles, rolls and stretches toward his goal.

He's a formidable challenge when it comes to "taking his vitals", or doing anything with him that brings new and unsual items within range. His hands are quicker than the eye and his mouth is always ready. The orifice of drool is constantly tasting and testing.

He did just cut his first tooth this week, with a second visibly chasing after it. He's sure to be a bottom-double-toother.

As for the slight evidence of a temper that might be seen once in a blue moon when things aren't going as he planned, well who can blame him? A girl's (or boy's) gotta express herself, after all. The poor kid's mother is totally unimpressed every time, though. She invented, patented and proliferated that particular strategy. Pish. Yous small potatoes, boy.

My absolute favourite trick has to be his sweet-talk. When he first started working on it, he would whisper back at me on the change table, which was just SO precious. Now, he's refined it down to a smile, gentle face touches and the tiniest voice as he curls and bubbles his little words through his chubby cheeks, past his hard-working lips. It's pure heaven, having his soft little hands flutter over my face or hands. Once in a while, he'll bestow on someone else his nice words and it just makes me melt. He puts so much effort into it, it's like the highest praise he can muster. I hope they appreciate the compliment.

A few people had enough time in their days to forward such wonderful thoughts of him... totally made me gush:

~~~

He's the kinda person who makes you smile no matter what. His smile lights up the room, makes you forget all your troubles, and allows you escape for just one second. It also allows you to forget he pooped on your pants :) I feel like he's an old soul in a young body. Like he's saying "Look at me. Look what I am going thru, feel no pity for me though, for I feel none for myself. Just put on a happy smile, deal with what was given to you, and enjoy every moment, and scream if you aren't".

~~~

Kaleb. He's an handsome little cherub all chubby and smiles. Every day he continues to amaze me with even cuter noises, funnier faces, or dazzeling feats of strength. He's a wonderful singer. When the song lady comes by, he joins in with is... vivacious "soprano" tone. It makes everyone smile. He's a heart breaker, the little boy who you put as your computer desktop image and show pictures of on your cell phone. He's that kid that you can't stop loving (which will probably get "gross" or "yucky" in ten years... or less.... *sniff*). He's the schmoozer, the charmer, the ladies man and love bug. Kaleb is the happy child that never seems to cry... unless you really desearve to hear it. He takes it all in stride, one step at a time, except only in reverse as his tiny legs can't reach the ground in his walker enough to move forward. Kaleb Emms is everything loving and perfect, a beautiful combination of both of his parents.

~~~

How do we describe this treasure? *My Darling Kaleb* has a personality all his own..quick to light up the room with his marvelous smile and instant delight at our arrival..holding his cherub arms high for his expected hello and Mamere(grandma) smooch..His sweet innocent baby smell I never tire of..his enjoyable *talking* and *singing* with glee...Kaleb is determined to *taste* everthing around him..from his delightful and grubby fingers and toes..every possible toy..visitors hands and hair..his crib bars have become his new favorite..any possible item within his extending grasp..quick to lather it up with baby drool and a quick munch with his brand-new first tooth! Yes, Kaleb knows what he wants..quick to have a *Hailie Fit* if his expected amusement stops..he loves to lock up his baby arms and legs while communicating his concern...

~~~

'strongmankaleb' has lived up to his name. . . in a nutshell, to me Kaleb personifies strength.Kaleb shows us everyday that strength is not measured by the weight of load our shoulders can bear, or the breadth of those shoulders to carry it, but by the grace with which we walk on, with our heads up and eyes ahead.That's what kaleb is to our family. Grace and enthusiasm, and perserverance wrapped in the innocence of childhood.What a gift he is to the world!

An Up-the-backer.

Poor Auntie Hilary got pooped on. Yes, chemo does some grody things to the system and I'm sure our man Kaleb is enjoying all the funny sounds and faces people make when he pulls a gross little (or big) oopsie. It's either that, or he's far more clever than he should be.

I'm amazed at my continued reflex to all the baby advertising that surrounds us. Every single smiling, chubby child is a slap in the face with a knobby stick. I know... GET OVER IT, ALREADY. Believe me, I'm yelling at myself those very words every time. It's not so much that I fear we won't beat this. I feel in my core that we will. I suppose it's a lingering grip on my selfish greed for the "norm". No one says it. A few good friends do celebrate it. But more step on each other with their instinctual drive to have a child that one-ups everyone else's.

My logical ambition was to continue the momentum of my pregnancy. It was honestly the most wonderful event to occur to my body. I mentally documented and "freeze-framed" so much of how it felt at every stage and it all felt fantastic. I scoffed at video tapes depicting mournful women who had to suffer through C-sections. I could not imagine that they refused to appreciate the gorgeous, healthy children before them.

Then my own body's failure came to pass. I recall being ushered into the "high risk" wing, watching as those beautiful doors that lead to a fanciful wing of natural mothers disappeared around the corner. I was going the wrong way!! I was supposed to be lounging in the warm tub, surrounded by cheery decor and soothing music, with my own private room. I was supposed to labour, deliver and recover with my husband and child, all in the same room! During all those ridiculous pre-natal classes, I swallowed the one class on "oh, by the way" scenarios but I honestly never for one second believed that any of them might apply to me. After all, I was a natural at being a life-nurturing blimp.

There is no rest for the warrior birther, either. Before you even come down off the good stuff that gets you through the ordeal, they're pitching you your new squalling football. I was so intent on not fumbling the darned thing, with all these 20-something, never-done-anything-worthwhile nurses coaching you through one corner of their pert little mouths, while condemning your lack-luster efforts through the other, that I did not process anything other than "We made it!". Home we went, scrambling to try to establish a new routine and rhythm. While all this was humming along my surface, I did not even realise my inner struggle to accept such a gruesome detour. I almost understood the pathetic sobbing woman on the video with the healthy baby girl. Almost. I still wouldn't let myself examine too closely my own feelings of utter failure on the most important physical front of my life. I refused to invite the dark visitor of post-partum and I certainly have the capacity to embrace him, whole-hog. I instead focused on learning who this new spectacular little person was and oh how he has captured my attention!

With the birth dust mostly settled and my warrior's wound far-too-slowly healing, my heart and mind are obviously pulled in more important directions. It was, after all, One Day. One day that brought to us the most incredible, precious package of our lives.

We are so ecstatic, even now, to be sharing in his life. And that's what it's already become. *snap* just like that... he's too large not to have his own life, his own journeys... which I have to say, have certainly started off with a big bang.


I've received a very good suggestion, I think... Next post, all about who he is. If anyone wants to email contributions to this thought, I'd love to include them. Everyone's perspectives are so interestingly different.

Amazing Date Night & Day!

Thurs night we were relieved of duty. We went to a movie at our local cheap seats that was an awesome surpriser. I love when a movie does that! Then we followed it up with a leisurely drive "around the block" on the way home. That's code for back-roads-meander. It was so nice to do something so brainless and quiet.

We crawled out of bed around noon on Friday and pulled our horses out for a ride. Again, the pace was very relaxed and wonderful. Not the rip-roaring tear across the prairies of my prior riding days, but very therapeudic, none-the-less.

I'm getting back into the gym routine, too. It feels amazing to do so. I took a week off to try and recover from a sinus infection PRONTO. Today is the the start of Kaleb's counts dropping and I couldn't have this hanging around for that. I'm all but recovered, but Kaleb did catch some of it. They told me that I could not give it to him, but clearly there's a flaw in their logic. I feel awful, watching him struggle with his little nose. They now tell me that it won't complicate any potential issues to come this week. We'll see. To my thinking, if he can't sleep, he's more susceptible... but what do I know.

His appetite is returning already, thankfully. I think we'll be ready to try solids again in the next day or two. He's still off on the meds. The faces he makes and the negotiations needed to get them down!! My goodness, what a proceedure. It's good for a few laughs, anyhow. Mean Mommy.

You sure can tell toilets were designed by a man...

I mean, "ball & cock assembly"?? Such typically male self-facination. Come ON. I SO mastered that junk. What does that make me... hmmmm. Invincible? This is my second tank re-build in history. Feel pretty solid on my skills. The hubby may adamantly NOT be a plumber, but maybe I should hang a shingle. And for those of you who went there... for shame!

I drive home from my shift at sunset every day, now. I think everyone would agree that fall is the most fabulous season for a rider of any machine, animate or otherwise. I long ago lost count of how many spectacular displays I've had the privilege to view from horseback. Every time I thought I'd witnessed the best one, another blew the boundaries of my mind and trumped all. There's something closer about being out on the bald prairie when it happens. The still damp air sourrounds you and you can't keep from breathing it into your lungs. Better to embrace it, and when you do it mysteriously fills you with the earth's essance and pulls you into the incredible light show. You feel a part of buzzing, lazy insects - not the kind that bother you, as those are left behind with summer. The tired vegetation seems to sway in response to your pulse as you pass. Your horse's warmth saturates every part of your body that rests close to him. There's nothing quite like fall riding. I always sensed, in those frequent lucky excursions, that life would not forever be so simple. I always tried to tattoo the scents, sounds and sights into my memories, even how my bones felt. I willed every fibre of myself to remember. Those stolen moments sustain me now.

Now, the real show:

Bumbo? ...This Bumbo?

Shmumbo! Who needs it? I'm a big boy now!

Let me out, let me out!!

My new wheels, compliments of 'Tante Dee! Now I'm stylin'!

An Aside...

I have to make an official ammendment.

I keep referring to "the ladies" who worked tirelessly on this day for us. The truth is that there is a lurking, whirling go-fer in their midst. Gary Hill was an entire force unto himself. He hauled heineken like a machine, doing whatever needed doing. Both Judy and Gary, you have truly turned out to be phenominal friends to our family.

There were so many people who really hustled to pull this off.

Joelle, whose name I hope I spelled right, didn't know us from anyone else on the street and lent her amazing skills of refinement. That's polite-talk for anal-retentive organisation. I only know it cause I seen it in m'self. LOVE it. You're tireless!!! I have this crazy urge to say "Yous the diiick!" It's a compliment, if you've watched Juno. Somehow, I think you'd get it.

Steph, my prefers-to-remain-anonymous-but-I-won't-let-her sister-in-law, cannot be contained in mere words. This woman is busting her groove, looking after two babies she's had in the last two years, trying to prep a house for sale, already has the planning of a benefit social under way and then piles THIS on her plate! I don't know if she's infallibly generous or just masochistic. Likely a little of both. *wink* And her hubby, Superstar Shane is the one who wrangled the Kubota ferry-mobile for the day. Great family is so precious.

Carol the bulldog dug up and produced the hilarious dunk tank, as well as it's reluctant subjects. Those poor kids froze, dip after dip! Carol has also been opening her doors to many of my clients who I cannot serve right now. I'm so grateful to have someone trustworthy to send them to, as poor Judy's roster is full.

There were so many people helping out that I cannot wrap my brain around it all. I'd like to send a general thanks to all that means no less to me. Whether it was walking ponies, manning the games, working the canteens or handling the tickets. The clean-up crew afterward was thorough and efficient. There were people there that I hadn't seen in years, including many fellow groomers and old colleages from hydro.

Everyone's contributions to the day have been amazing. We have effectively been rescued from the prospect of some serious debt. Our recovery from this little detour in our lives will be so much quicker thanks to all of you!

I'm back with photos!

I didn't talk about my TV debut yesterday. Man was I nervous. I'd sweated and drooled with ponies and dogs all day and there was no mirror in sight! The wind was unreal, so hair control was at an all-time low but I was intent on thanking everyone publicly. Of course, once I got started with the lovely lady from CTV, I just melted into a puddle, losing everything I'd gone over in my head the entire night prior. Ah well. I think I got the gist of it across. It was surreal, seeing myself on the screen and hearing about our story from a third-person perspective. At least it was a happy and hopeful story, amongst the crap happening all around us. Every day I'm reminded of how fortunate we are.

One of the awesome bumper play rooms:



The evil dunk tank. Filled with the fire hydrant, it was frigid!!

One of the three trooper ponies in action:

The other awesome bumper room:

Some of the many craft tables:

Some of the many prize tables:

The official ferry vehicle, usage donated by Lawson Sales on the Perimeter Hwy:

Official T-Shirt venue, established by Kaleb's Memere & Pepere (Grandparents):

Amazing tribute table created by my sisters-in-law, Steph & Jackie:

If anyone has any photos of the amazing performing dogs, please email them to me! hpemms@mts.net. They need to be small files for my little laptop. I was otherwise pony-occupied and missed the darned show! I did hear that it was fantastic!