The machine wizzed and whirred beneath my feet. I held my shoulders back, core solid and swung my legs hard, pelvis as open as I could with toes pointing forward. ONE. TWO. ONE. TWO. The treadmill absorbed the punishment I slammed out the bottoms of my feet. If only I could pound my haunting depression out so easily! I willed it with EVERY. SINGLE. STOMP!
This derailment of my family's serene, humble little path seems to have nudged me toward the edge of the precipice. I am ANGRY. I am confused. I am lost. My self as I know how to be fixes things. She carves her dreams out of life and celebrates every tiny victory of every tiny being. She stands at the top of her mountain and reaches down for anyone scrambling to share the view. She laughs into the wind and dances in the rain.
Oh man, am I angry. I detest being this pathetic, ineffective, ungracious little gnat. I am confused. I am so fortunate to have such an amazing life... more than I even knew what or how to dream of. I worked hard to effect what I wanted and when life picked me up into a whirlwind of amazing journeys, I hung on tight and drank it all in like a starved dog. Then I got cocky. I was convinced that if a person just opened themselves up and threw every ounce of their positive energy out there, it would all come back. Sure, I did appreciate and cherish every little thing gifted to me, but I pitied those who could not find their own Utopia. Who am I to pity anyone? What gave me the right to shake my head for any reason?
I am surrounded by crumbling health and tumbling hearts. There is just nothing like watching a child's health be battered before helpless parents' eyes.
I hide, as best I can, myself from my husband. I know that it is not functioning as a true team, as we promised to be to each other through this. All the man ever wanted out of life was a solid little family. The least I can do for one who lays his entire self in my hands, is give him that. I've always felt that my hands were just too small to hold him all, and yet, I find myself impossibly more ill-equipped, of late. He's had so, so much to carry, himself. There should be a quota... "Any one person on this Earth is entitled to only so many life trials". Only, I haven't had to suffer very many, myself. Maybe I'm the one throwing the curve...
Clearly, I've got a mere fingertip on this edge of my sanity. I dance a little dosie-doe with my solid logic and emotional turmoil all day long. I know, for instance, that there are just as many happy stories on our floor as there are not. We are one such story and I feel some guilt but more relief about that. I also know that it's the constant pressure of our situation, combined with a stalled professional pursuit that's dipping me down into this black pool. I have been working, in some fashion, toward my goals since I was 13 and had no goals, other than climbing up onto the back of the nearest horse. Additionally, I know that I have endless love and support from a massive and formidable network of family and friends. Most of all, I know (I HOPE) that I will return to myself when this all blows over and life settles into a mundane routine. I will NEVER again wish for the tiniest second for something exciting to shake things up. Now that "I" is no longer just me, this kind of happenstance has massive reverberating effects.
Part of me still wonders if all that positive self I was tossing about willy-nilly earned us some points... we're definitely going to get through this - in some respects better off than we went in. What exactly is the "Power of the Universe"? I am way too small for questions so massive.
Our man is doing well, by the way. Tackling a little digestive bug and losing some weight, but is in fiesty good spirits and continuing to hold his own. He is our rock.
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We all love you guys and you are really holding together well. Your little world will be just fine you are Dawg and Patrick and Kaleb enough said!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't post alot but please know i am watching this blog daily.
ReplyDeleteLove and kisses Tillie
I wish I would have read this yesterday so that I would have been able to talk to you today.
ReplyDeleteWhat is life without challenges, turmoil and questioning? No poet would appreciate a flower's kiss, no painter would settle to digest a sunset, no mother would sit still and watch her baby sleep, counting ten fingers and ten toes over and over. If life was perfect, there would be no growth. Although your life is currently far from perfect... you are at the half way point of this mountain climb. Round three is almost finished. I've known you for a long while and I have seen you overcome. You are a thinker, you process. You sit on the burden and ponder its purpose. You learn. It is one of your greatest assets. No one would ever wish on someone what you have had to go through. It is a horrible and painful experience, one can be sure. But you have stopped to consider life through it all. You have come out with a great appreciation, and profound questions (questions that you are NEVER to small or ask or explore). You are a strong person Hailie. Everyone who knows you, knows it. But just because you're strong, doesn't mean you can't struggle. As much as you are the pillar for Patrick, and vice versa, we are also the pillar for the both of you. Your arms can easily tire when having to hold up each other for so long. You are not a bad wife or husband if you turn to others, or encourage other supports as well as yourself, for your mate. I'm not sure if this is clear... I'm kind of brain dead after a day of school... but the bottom line is... everyone struggles. And you can't judge the "size" of a burden and then extrapolate the energy or strength needed to survive it. Its individual. And when you're tired, we are here for you. I am here for you. I am never too busy for any of you three. You are a proud proud woman Hailie E... but you can find solace in making yourself a little more vunerable, and leaning on others, whether its me or anyone else. It is never a sign of weakness. We are your gas station ("fuel up") or your charger ("battery"). How far can you get on a bumpy road, even if you start with a full tank? How long can you run on fumes? You are reclusive when you are overwhelmed, at least that has been my observation. This blog has helped me to see how you process and when might be a good time to offer up some of my self. I appreciate the insight, and only hope that I can offer something inticing enough that you may take the bait, so to speak. lol.
Again, I apologize for the spelling and grammar.I know its atrocious and one of your pet peeves. I love you Hail. And I love Patrick and Kaleb too. With all my heart. I am not just a passing offer, okay? I'm for real. 100% premium gasoline. Feel free to fill 'er up.
Whitney
the truth of a miracle is in the eyes of those who hold it. . .
ReplyDeleteHailie, love that version of you who feels raw and ragged, pessimistic or pitiful. She needs your understanding and compassion as much as those around you to whom you give it so readily. Probably more. She is fragile, and shaky, and you alone can place a warm hand of comfort on her shoulder.
I agree with welcoming the mundane, the usual, the safe and ordinary. I understand the craving for the return to hum-drum. But I am finding that in pursuit of that fleeting friend normalcy, a detour to extraordinary is inevitable. Many are with you on this journey, my dear girl, and its unorthodox gifts are flung far and wide. You may one day have perspective on this journey for yourself and your sweet family, but it is impossible to know all the beautiful miracles carried out in the lives of others.
Thank you.
We love you.
Ashleigh et al.