Illusions

Not many quality posts here, lately. The truth is not that I have nothing to write. The truth is that I have been hiding.

When this little ride of ours stopped, I felt pressure to get right back to 'normal', whatever that was. Everything was finished, we'd dodged a bullet that so many are not lucky enough to and it was time to be grateful and march on. Reality, for anyone who has experienced anything near similar, is far different.

A wonderful new brain mechanic has helped me to first see and then begin work to remedy the condition of being stuck on Autopilot. This was so necessary to being able to function for so long, that I could no longer tell the difference. Further more, I had so effectively closed off my emotional self from my functional self that I had no idea how to bring the two back together. Not only have my friendships suffered, but my marriage was feeling the blows. The only pearl of clarity available to me was our son. His gleeful pursuit of life has always been an anchor. In my mind's eye, I could always clearly see him and everything around us was fuzzy. I could not bring forth emotion to fully experience anything that once brought me joy. I could not connect with friends and family so dear to me. I could present a great face and tackle anything in my day, but I rarely even remembered details. I did not understand this block, I barely even recognised it... I just knew that things somehow weren't right. It was almost like emerging from a pool only to find a lid in place, forcing me to tread water.

Two things happened very close together to lift my fog of illusion. My husband and I escaped for two amazing days of camping and riding our horses. The submersion in all things nature brought me back to myself for the first time since my son's birth. I love him more than I knew how, but he sure knocked me off my centre, even before the Big C. The following week was my first date with The Mechanic, the putting into words exactly what was going on and the developing of plans to work my way out.

I finally feel peace about so many things I didn't even realise were causing turmoil. Someone has helped me to see the dangling little rope ladder leading up out of this hole of confusion. It's a process that will I'm sure take me the rest of my life, but I'm a very introspective person... I know I'll do just fine.


Developmentally, the little man continues to tickle us pink. He's really working on expanding and clarifying his words this week. He can understand us as clearly as anyone and will go to his room and close the door when asked to think about a particular temper tantrum. That's our favourite right now. He's also climbing anything and everything with a new energy and efficiency. Almost as though he's been thinking about it all this time and finally figured it out. My bicycle (onto the seat), the riding arena gate (to the top!), nothing is too daunting.

I'm so head-over-heels and trying so hard not to let it go to his head.