There were loud whispers of us going home today, but the reality is we're either in until tomorrow or even Monday. Bummer. Patrick and I both are craving to have our trio under one roof again. It's difficult to remember that Kaleb's counts are what are holding us back. He bounces and squeals all day long yet his little internals are taking more time to recover from this harder hit of chemo.
Tis the season of student and new nurses. Another painful though necessary occurrence. It was difficult enough to establish a cohesive rhythm with the solid regulars - I definitely don't envy their positions of having to learn every family's "isms" and balance them like court jesters. Most of them are very skilled at keeping things smooth but now that we're all on the same page, a whole new crew of nervous learners are fumbling about. They're so caught up in getting it "right" that they've lost their common sense, it seems. I appreciate the awkward newness of their situations, but not the disruption of our man's precarious sleep schedule. He needs to sleep to heal, after all - and to maintain his charming disposition, for that matter! It was the same when I had him, except I was the practice pig and had the bruises to prove it. I suppose it's just a necessary step to creating good nurses and without the good ones, the entire process would be way beyond a nightmare!!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Photo Post!
From sleeping to this in 0.2 seconds...
Peek-a-boo is an awesome game...
He is SO the man in the big-boy chair...
His vehicle of choice. We tied a strap on it and do laps around the ward almost hourly...
One of his favourite things... the daily "boat ride" on the weigh scale...
Peek-a-boo is an awesome game...
He is SO the man in the big-boy chair...
His vehicle of choice. We tied a strap on it and do laps around the ward almost hourly...
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
I'm back.
Thanks for all the encouraging posts and words. And thanks just as much for all the silence, lmao! It's not pretty when you lose your lid and sometimes it's just nice to pretend it's still there until it returns. I've got to say, after my little public purge I slept like a rock! Finally.
Kaleb continues to grow and develop like a dandelion.
He's fiesty and loving, perfecting his sloppery, two-tooth-crunching kiss (he tries to fit your entire face in his mouth while the sweet-talks you, stares you down and pulls your hair). We may have to refine his courting moves after puberty...
He's become a very strong at his standing, often hanging onto the side of crib for an entire episode of Franklin or Comfy Couch. He's quite the little opportunist for getting into position, adeptly manipulating the nearest person into setting him up. I think we have a future climber of every THING.
He's also a rockstar. Quite an array of music charms his ear and he can often be seen bobbing his little head in time to either a noisy toy or a commercial jingle while he plays. The music lady maintains #1 Visitor Position. He loves to sing along and shake his noise-makers while bouncing and rocking out on the nearest knee.
He's still thinking about crawling. The card table is his fall-back manoeuvre but he's caught on to the grab and pull move. He's charted every inch of that crib.
Kaleb continues to grow and develop like a dandelion.
He's fiesty and loving, perfecting his sloppery, two-tooth-crunching kiss (he tries to fit your entire face in his mouth while the sweet-talks you, stares you down and pulls your hair). We may have to refine his courting moves after puberty...
He's become a very strong at his standing, often hanging onto the side of crib for an entire episode of Franklin or Comfy Couch. He's quite the little opportunist for getting into position, adeptly manipulating the nearest person into setting him up. I think we have a future climber of every THING.
He's also a rockstar. Quite an array of music charms his ear and he can often be seen bobbing his little head in time to either a noisy toy or a commercial jingle while he plays. The music lady maintains #1 Visitor Position. He loves to sing along and shake his noise-makers while bouncing and rocking out on the nearest knee.
He's still thinking about crawling. The card table is his fall-back manoeuvre but he's caught on to the grab and pull move. He's charted every inch of that crib.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Ironing Out Inevitable Wrinkles - HEAVY post
The machine wizzed and whirred beneath my feet. I held my shoulders back, core solid and swung my legs hard, pelvis as open as I could with toes pointing forward. ONE. TWO. ONE. TWO. The treadmill absorbed the punishment I slammed out the bottoms of my feet. If only I could pound my haunting depression out so easily! I willed it with EVERY. SINGLE. STOMP!
This derailment of my family's serene, humble little path seems to have nudged me toward the edge of the precipice. I am ANGRY. I am confused. I am lost. My self as I know how to be fixes things. She carves her dreams out of life and celebrates every tiny victory of every tiny being. She stands at the top of her mountain and reaches down for anyone scrambling to share the view. She laughs into the wind and dances in the rain.
Oh man, am I angry. I detest being this pathetic, ineffective, ungracious little gnat. I am confused. I am so fortunate to have such an amazing life... more than I even knew what or how to dream of. I worked hard to effect what I wanted and when life picked me up into a whirlwind of amazing journeys, I hung on tight and drank it all in like a starved dog. Then I got cocky. I was convinced that if a person just opened themselves up and threw every ounce of their positive energy out there, it would all come back. Sure, I did appreciate and cherish every little thing gifted to me, but I pitied those who could not find their own Utopia. Who am I to pity anyone? What gave me the right to shake my head for any reason?
I am surrounded by crumbling health and tumbling hearts. There is just nothing like watching a child's health be battered before helpless parents' eyes.
I hide, as best I can, myself from my husband. I know that it is not functioning as a true team, as we promised to be to each other through this. All the man ever wanted out of life was a solid little family. The least I can do for one who lays his entire self in my hands, is give him that. I've always felt that my hands were just too small to hold him all, and yet, I find myself impossibly more ill-equipped, of late. He's had so, so much to carry, himself. There should be a quota... "Any one person on this Earth is entitled to only so many life trials". Only, I haven't had to suffer very many, myself. Maybe I'm the one throwing the curve...
Clearly, I've got a mere fingertip on this edge of my sanity. I dance a little dosie-doe with my solid logic and emotional turmoil all day long. I know, for instance, that there are just as many happy stories on our floor as there are not. We are one such story and I feel some guilt but more relief about that. I also know that it's the constant pressure of our situation, combined with a stalled professional pursuit that's dipping me down into this black pool. I have been working, in some fashion, toward my goals since I was 13 and had no goals, other than climbing up onto the back of the nearest horse. Additionally, I know that I have endless love and support from a massive and formidable network of family and friends. Most of all, I know (I HOPE) that I will return to myself when this all blows over and life settles into a mundane routine. I will NEVER again wish for the tiniest second for something exciting to shake things up. Now that "I" is no longer just me, this kind of happenstance has massive reverberating effects.
Part of me still wonders if all that positive self I was tossing about willy-nilly earned us some points... we're definitely going to get through this - in some respects better off than we went in. What exactly is the "Power of the Universe"? I am way too small for questions so massive.
Our man is doing well, by the way. Tackling a little digestive bug and losing some weight, but is in fiesty good spirits and continuing to hold his own. He is our rock.
This derailment of my family's serene, humble little path seems to have nudged me toward the edge of the precipice. I am ANGRY. I am confused. I am lost. My self as I know how to be fixes things. She carves her dreams out of life and celebrates every tiny victory of every tiny being. She stands at the top of her mountain and reaches down for anyone scrambling to share the view. She laughs into the wind and dances in the rain.
Oh man, am I angry. I detest being this pathetic, ineffective, ungracious little gnat. I am confused. I am so fortunate to have such an amazing life... more than I even knew what or how to dream of. I worked hard to effect what I wanted and when life picked me up into a whirlwind of amazing journeys, I hung on tight and drank it all in like a starved dog. Then I got cocky. I was convinced that if a person just opened themselves up and threw every ounce of their positive energy out there, it would all come back. Sure, I did appreciate and cherish every little thing gifted to me, but I pitied those who could not find their own Utopia. Who am I to pity anyone? What gave me the right to shake my head for any reason?
I am surrounded by crumbling health and tumbling hearts. There is just nothing like watching a child's health be battered before helpless parents' eyes.
I hide, as best I can, myself from my husband. I know that it is not functioning as a true team, as we promised to be to each other through this. All the man ever wanted out of life was a solid little family. The least I can do for one who lays his entire self in my hands, is give him that. I've always felt that my hands were just too small to hold him all, and yet, I find myself impossibly more ill-equipped, of late. He's had so, so much to carry, himself. There should be a quota... "Any one person on this Earth is entitled to only so many life trials". Only, I haven't had to suffer very many, myself. Maybe I'm the one throwing the curve...
Clearly, I've got a mere fingertip on this edge of my sanity. I dance a little dosie-doe with my solid logic and emotional turmoil all day long. I know, for instance, that there are just as many happy stories on our floor as there are not. We are one such story and I feel some guilt but more relief about that. I also know that it's the constant pressure of our situation, combined with a stalled professional pursuit that's dipping me down into this black pool. I have been working, in some fashion, toward my goals since I was 13 and had no goals, other than climbing up onto the back of the nearest horse. Additionally, I know that I have endless love and support from a massive and formidable network of family and friends. Most of all, I know (I HOPE) that I will return to myself when this all blows over and life settles into a mundane routine. I will NEVER again wish for the tiniest second for something exciting to shake things up. Now that "I" is no longer just me, this kind of happenstance has massive reverberating effects.
Part of me still wonders if all that positive self I was tossing about willy-nilly earned us some points... we're definitely going to get through this - in some respects better off than we went in. What exactly is the "Power of the Universe"? I am way too small for questions so massive.
Our man is doing well, by the way. Tackling a little digestive bug and losing some weight, but is in fiesty good spirits and continuing to hold his own. He is our rock.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
