Last post before our world is turned upside down.

We’re ready. Right? How the hell do you get ready for this. Our bags are packed, anyway.

I’ve been on autopilot for these two days which have felt more like four, blocking out anything remotely close to our new reality. Even talking to clients, I’ve already polished my techniques of deflection. I’m quite cheery on the exterior. I keep reciting the pale, hopeful facts like saying them means something.

I feel like I’m hiding in one of those character suits... looking out through tiny eye holes, big smile painted on the outside as I’m hawking some cheap product and waving to the crowd. Inside the suit, my face is blank, my eyes empty, my insides churn and burn. I’m grateful for my restricted vision of the world around me.

Once in a while something pulls me to the surface. The heavy fragrant air that seeps into me as I step outside the house between misty rain showers. The scents pop me back to my childhood days at West Hawk Lake. How I wish to be transported back to my previous carefree little self, just for a short visit. I used to soak up and drown myself in every heady fragrance nature has to offer every chance I had. Every beautiful sight I’d try to stamp into my memory. My last dog taught me how to hold on to and cherish every tiny gift of my surroundings. Never did I imagine how vital that lesson would be. I have never been more relieved to see my chase in the material rat race in the rear view mirror.

This withdrawal, a survival technique, has become so automatic for us that my husband and I have come up with a cue to pull the other out when a reconnection is needed. I’ve observed other spouses in the ward who’ve been on this road for months, even years. I can feel the tension, the vibration from the tenuous white-knuckled holds they struggle to maintain on themselves. They’re short and harsh with each other, intent on simply coming out the other end of this nightmare. More combatants than partners. Patrick and I are critical to each other in this challenge. We’re determined to maintain the team mentality. The second tragedy of our lives as individuals would be to lose each other in this abyss. It’s certainly the most difficult trial I’ve encountered, yet. He’s been through so much more... While I am frozen with my own fear and pain, inside I rail and scream at the idea of him facing yet another make or break mountain. He is the strongest and truest person I know. I can only hope I come through this with as much grace and integrity as he naturally manages time after time. I am exhausted for him and am amazed that all of my life goals have dissolved to leave behind one primal drive in my own personal pursuits; to hold together and nuture his most precious life-long dream and acquisition. Our family.