Sweet Memories Serve Me Well Now

I’m getting cabin fever.

The brisk wind hits my face as I step outside the hospital doors, eager to stretch my legs and breathe new air during one of his frequent naps. I’ve ridden in this wind before, many times. I flex my fingers, feeling the reins, fragrant and warmed by my hands. Nothing on this planet smells better than leather and horse. I can feel the tip of my nose getting rosy and numb, hear the creak of my saddle and almost see the autumn colours, nearly smell the acrid leaves. I’m wearing light layers; easy to ride in and still feel agile. I can see my horse’s coat, fluffed up fuzzy from the season change. It’s like petting the softest velvet. My horse is fresh off the cool temps and my own excitement, offering yet another dynamic to the outing. It’s got to be one of the best ways to feel strong and alive, like you’re absorbing every element nature is offering for your inner fortification. The mechanical whine of the automatic doors jar me back to reality when I step on the sensor pad. I always got back to the barn feeling on top of the world, like nothing could touch me. I tried to hang on to that feeling for the rest of the day.

We haven’t really had a summer here, this year. A few days here and there of seasonal temps, but everything else “record lows”. It’s laughable, really. I wanted to be pregnant over the winter to avoid bearing a monstrous girth in oppressive heat. Now I feel like “at least I’m not wasting glorious summer days locked up inside total and utter climate control”.

Kaleb was quiet and restful all day. I think the “red” chemo takes a big enough hit out of him to require a day to recover. Of the three types he gets on a cycle, the red gets administered every other day. The other two are given daily. His food intake has been steadily decreasing. We tried an experiment and he went up drastically today. It would seem our little one was in fact nauseous from all the drugs. Older kids often report this side effect, but obviously the youngest ones can’t articulate. An anti-nausea rediscovered his appetite and reduced some of his fussing, thankfully. It’s also a slight sedative, which gives him more healing time during naps.

All-in-all, he continues to respond well.