Happy Home

The simple fact that I can observe a sticky, chubby hand reaching for my husband's lightly bristled face brings tears very close to the surface. The sun back lights the cozy elements of our living room. The riot of colour overflowing the toy bin, the little red barn, the warm green walls and even the cheap pile area rug all offer soft textures of life that elude the hard hospital environment. The frost crowds the windows and crunches underfoot on the deck. I can feel the crisply frayed edges of my stress and anxiety melting beneath the warmth of my family's peaceful actions. I've been plowing through this term of treatment with blinders on in an effort to just get through it. Our sudden release yesterday triggered an automatic opening of doors that I was not prepared for. The instant contrast blind-sides me with an almost painful, sweet relief.

Kaleb seems to be holding his good cheer - moon/tooth crisis over!! He continues to increase his daily intake of solids as well as formula. I think we're in another growth spurt - we can't seem to keep the little turd topped off! He slipped in to the home routine without a hitch, remembering his last visit here, for a change. His exploring is at an all-time high, to such a degree that we've had to resort to the play pen. We simply can't keep up! Forget a bathroom break. Our little shadow is everywhere and delicate puppy faces are the most fun thing to play with.

The progress on my shop has been hardy, if I do say so. I've got 2/3 of it painted and does it ever look like a new building! The work has been healing and forward-focusing, which is just so fortifying for the psyche. I'm really excited to open my doors with a whole new vibe and can't wait to start working again.

The light in our tunnel is blinding and I'm having a difficult time not jumping ahead. We still have the last round to get through - during the festive season, no less. I'm already trying to nail down a time line of what to expect once we sign out of the ward for the last time. I'm SO jazzed to get back to 'real' life. This nightmare detour is almost over!

Before the Possession.

A Week From the Depths of....

So I'm a little dramatic. So is the Monster. I keep swivelling my head as fast as I can to catch the nurses rolling their eyes at us - which I never manage to actually see, as we're fretting at "normal" baby behaviour. Thing is, if it's not his normal, it's cause for concern in our minds. When brainstorming for solutions, we honestly don't CARE what other babies do. He's communicating and we're trying to listen... while not losing our hearing.

A good friend once said of Patrick that he was ornery. We loved that and well, if I don't top this primal element of his personality, I'm certainly right there beside him with my own full measure. It stands to reason then that this would then be an excellent descriptor for our son. We attribute much of his success thus far to this ah... condition.

We may be through the worst of tooth #4. I say it with caution, but this morning was his first in 6 to not wake up screaming and he maintains his good cheer through the day, unassisted by Tylenol.

Of course, this week was the most spectacular one to be gallant and pull a 24-hour shift for the sake of Poor Patrick's b-day. He was getting run down from too many fitfull nights. I've discovered the secret, though. You have to go into the shift not as though it's night time and therefore we must be sleeping. You must store your energy through the day and anticipate many disturbances. At least, that made all the difference for me. Instead of being confused and frustrated at 3 a.m., I was happily comforting and snuggling.

Various other little annoyances for our boy include a fat lip from bumping his new tooth on who-knows-what, and a few melon bruises that linger due to low blood counts. The kid has GOT to learn to put his hands out if he's going to pull tumbling routines in that crib!! He's also been put on antibiotics due to a fever. Everyone is sure it was a teething fever and it did in fact fade within an hour, but they're covering everyone's assets. If nothing else, it'll aid his body in healing those little bumps and bruises. Of course, once started, the policy is a 48-hour process, but oh well.

We're hopeful that our release comes on or just after the weekend.

Tooth #4 is on the doorstep!

Now if only the sucker would come in! We've hardly noticed the arrival of the first 3, but this one is causing our poor little man some trouble.

Still, if that is the most dramatic issue to mark our days, we're thankful.

We've been busy bees, taking advantage of the amazing weather to get in some very late winterising. I think we're officially there. I've even dug out some of my old cans of paint to give the shop a face-lift. Feels really good to be productive.

I don't want to jinx us, but mention was made of possibly being home for christmas. Our cycle would have us waiting in hospital for reactions to his last round of chemo, but as his history thus far has been solid, they may allow us to recoup at home with extreme caution. I have mixed feelings about that. Of course, there will be no visiting family this year for any of us... I suppose it could be a very restful special experience. I'm also going through a reaction that I'm told many do - the abrupt absense of our safety net wants to worry at me. While I'd like to think we're level headed enough to handle things should anything happen, I know the truth. No adverse reactions yet have happened to truly test us. I've seen what can happen on the other children on the floor and the possibilities are beyond petrifying. Again, I will push that out of my mind. No sense borrowing what isn't here yet.

Circles Never Cease.

This heavy, insidious monster invades every nook of our lives. How can we celebrate our own victory when friends fall all around us?! Babies who have yet to taste life, young adults with bright roads ahead of them, older souls who have earned every right to a gentle twilight. It's this ugly constant barage of pain. Good people who deserve nothing but good things. How can anyone maintain hope and joy in life? Just when you finally pull yourself together and begin to feel lightness in your heart, there is another victim.

I used to be so afraid of THE NEWS. I didn't know how to approach those dealing with the demon, how to help, how not to pry at the freak show. Like anything else, once you're plunked into this world, you see it everywhere... except that I'm ashamed to admit I've always seen it everywhere. Unlike the spanking new car clones suddenly zipping past every few minutes, I have conscious memory of turning a blind eye again and again - within my own family as well as without. When I try to examine why, I cannot help but doubt my own answer of "intent to give space to deal". I now truly understand the need for this and am relieved that my secondary motivation was sound. Yet I know instinctively that it was always the second bird. The primary target for my stone was always the selfish protection of my own heart. I am cowed with my prior lack of courage on behalf of friends and family. I can only hope that yet another silver lining of our little cloud is that I will come through stronger for those who might need me.

Wilma we love you. Thank you for sharing your eclectic grace and beautiful light with us. Team Emms is stronger for knowing you.