Gifts Galore

As expected, the kid did not lack for gifts. Everyone made sure of that! We even had the extreme honour of accepting one of five ginormous hampers our community of Stony Mountain gathers for families each year. We could NOT believe how the generosity just keeps rolling in at us. Words can't express how grateful we are. A HUGE thank you to the Fire Department and entire community of Stony!!


And now a couple of shots of our quiet little morning.



This has been one of his top two favourite toys. It has great music when he pushes the forward button and barks when the backward button is pushed. And then it has the added feature of being able to be dragged around by the cord... anything that will follow him on a line is a BIG hit... case in point, his best friend the shoelace, which he's had for the last two months.


The absolute best gift is his red Mickey Mouse cell phone. It's a flip phone and he's figured out how to get Mickey to talk to him just so he can shout bye and snap it shut. And let's not forget the fabulous screeching, "I'm connecting to the internet thru dial-up" sound. (Whaa..?) We ALL love that button. He's crazy for the thing and is always intent on establishing just where everyone else's flip phone is before going about his conversations, just to be sure we're all as content as he is. I'm worried about his future priorities. I'd rather he knew where his horse was. The best feature for us is its portability. We can take it everywhere and have a some-what occupied toddler!


Hmmm... Am I already leaning on the tidy little tricks of a distracted, multi-tasking parent?

Don't Let the Bedbugs Bite.

Every night we have a routine that starts anywhere between 6 & 7 p.m., depending on his mood.

We change his bum, put on all his creams (eczema issues), snuggle into a sleeper, grab a soother from the shelf and tuck him into his big boy bed. We kiss him goodnight and walk out of the room, closing the door behind us. Then we settle in for 30 - 60 minutes of him laughing, talking, 'reading' his books in the dark, or to his totally Type A mother's absolute delight, re-arranging of the dresser drawer contents.

Since the arrival of the Browner, there's been a new distraction added to his room... his inflatable play fort from Grandpa, which previously resided in the living room. The result is this:

Yup, poor kid crashed right in the middle of a meeting with his stuffed animal friends. Must have been some BORING flow charts.

!Charlie Brown Forever!

Ya, it's my brother's name, but sorry Bud - it's the tree I'm gone on. No matter where life takes us, I promise right here, right now to only take home the scrawniest of trees. These guys have always been my best childhood memories, right down to one we had in our back yard. I love giving them some love and let us be honest - a celebrated decoration is truly the highest bar the Browner could ever hope to reach. I mean, what's this one - 10, 15 years old? Yikes. It also touches something within me relating to meager and honest beginnings... a strong journey of building a foundation worth investing in.




Finally got some shots of the boy goofing around on his bed, though the true effect of just how small he was when we first made the trasition is already lost. Growing like a weed, and that darned number on the scale just won't climb with his topline! STILL the 24 pounds he's been for the past i-don't-know-how-many months! But he LOVES his bed and all the cozy blankets that go with it.

SANTA!!..?

We're not sure who was more ecstatic to see the other... Actually, by the time the photo shoot was over, Kaleb was giving Santa Hi Fives and Fist Pumps. That's as cozy as they got. Oh well. Next year they'll be chums!

We're pretty excited for Kaleb's first (real) Christmas. We'll got to get a tree next week and learn all about not touching something covered with pretty twinkling toys and lights. Yikes.

Long Time, No Post

We've been busy around the homestead, getting ready for winter and settling into our comfy new life. I wonder when it will cease to feel "new"... For almost the entire part, I feel ecstatic with how the dust is settling. There are many days full of work that feeds whatever monster resides within. There are just as many days spent playing with a happy, mischievous son - and rarely does it not feel like play. We are so proud of how he's forming, even the rowdy parts! My husband is finding focus, purpose and strength in his growing business. There's enough time to get my hands and heart dirty working with the horses. I'm getting more into the habit of maintaining my connection with what makes me feel like me. I still have days of cold silence that I can't seem to break through, no matter how much my husband and child rail at me, but very thankfully they are fewer and further between.

The memory of feeling like life could not possibly ever feel good again, and the realisation that it already does taste so sweet almost bowls me over. It anchors my perspective, constantly.

Now for the fun stuff:

We tried potty training for an afternoon... not quite ready, though it was fun to try! Photos like these are SO coming back to bite me in the ...er... well, as shown below.

Horsin around the house - he LOVES his new boots and the hat has finally won him over. As I type, he's taking a nap with both items on.

His first foray into the cold white stuff. Loves it, but not so much when it finds its way into his mittens. I feel ya, buddy.

Halloween Apples!

Well, crud. Posted on the 31st, but internet crashed on me and obviously didn't push this through!

Kaleb has one fierce ROAR.

So we chose to be a Dinosaur!! He LOVED this entire game. We were thinking two, maybe four houses, but the kid couldn't get enough! We halloweened for an HOUR. We had to shut him down! It was entirely too much fun.

On a more current note, last night was our first night in the BIG BOY BED!!! I'll have to get a shot of him all bundled up in this thing. It's actually a reglar double bed. We've removed the bed rails so the box spring sits directly on the floor. He's so adorably tiny in it!

He did quite well, spending his typical hour of crib play exploring the new freedom with laps through the house and ultra-quiet story time in the dark. Never before has he been so interested in those books! Once that hour was through, he konked out right till 7 a.m., whereupon he rediscovered his books for another 45 mins before coming to greet us for the day.

What a phenomenally fun boy!

Illusions

Not many quality posts here, lately. The truth is not that I have nothing to write. The truth is that I have been hiding.

When this little ride of ours stopped, I felt pressure to get right back to 'normal', whatever that was. Everything was finished, we'd dodged a bullet that so many are not lucky enough to and it was time to be grateful and march on. Reality, for anyone who has experienced anything near similar, is far different.

A wonderful new brain mechanic has helped me to first see and then begin work to remedy the condition of being stuck on Autopilot. This was so necessary to being able to function for so long, that I could no longer tell the difference. Further more, I had so effectively closed off my emotional self from my functional self that I had no idea how to bring the two back together. Not only have my friendships suffered, but my marriage was feeling the blows. The only pearl of clarity available to me was our son. His gleeful pursuit of life has always been an anchor. In my mind's eye, I could always clearly see him and everything around us was fuzzy. I could not bring forth emotion to fully experience anything that once brought me joy. I could not connect with friends and family so dear to me. I could present a great face and tackle anything in my day, but I rarely even remembered details. I did not understand this block, I barely even recognised it... I just knew that things somehow weren't right. It was almost like emerging from a pool only to find a lid in place, forcing me to tread water.

Two things happened very close together to lift my fog of illusion. My husband and I escaped for two amazing days of camping and riding our horses. The submersion in all things nature brought me back to myself for the first time since my son's birth. I love him more than I knew how, but he sure knocked me off my centre, even before the Big C. The following week was my first date with The Mechanic, the putting into words exactly what was going on and the developing of plans to work my way out.

I finally feel peace about so many things I didn't even realise were causing turmoil. Someone has helped me to see the dangling little rope ladder leading up out of this hole of confusion. It's a process that will I'm sure take me the rest of my life, but I'm a very introspective person... I know I'll do just fine.


Developmentally, the little man continues to tickle us pink. He's really working on expanding and clarifying his words this week. He can understand us as clearly as anyone and will go to his room and close the door when asked to think about a particular temper tantrum. That's our favourite right now. He's also climbing anything and everything with a new energy and efficiency. Almost as though he's been thinking about it all this time and finally figured it out. My bicycle (onto the seat), the riding arena gate (to the top!), nothing is too daunting.

I'm so head-over-heels and trying so hard not to let it go to his head.

New Friends

We were recently in the very fortunate position of having a friend for Kaleb fall into our laps.

Meet Scout, a 5 month-old Gotland Pony!

He has an exceptional personality and his breed is known for their fondness of children. Already, this boy is living up to his name. For the next 3 years, he will learn all about manners and every other skill we can teach him without actually climbing onto his back. Then he will go to school to learn all about being a reliable riding mount. He will be a good sized pony, at least 13hh. That's about 8-10 inches shorter than the horses Patrick & I ride. Scout has a very similar eagerness for discovering adventure that Kaleb does. I'm sure they'll get into endless trouble together!

Home.

There is a special spot on this planet from where I began. That is the best way to describe how I feel about returning. It has been too long since I last breathed of this space, where breathing was first born. I believe this spot is different for everyone. For myself, it is a wood heavily populated with evergreens, moss and lichens. The ground is always damp and quiet, the shade always cool and scent always a soul-stretching renewal. The best vehicle for recharging my batteries is without hesitation a horse, though a good pair of hiking shoes are sometimes a tight second choice.

I was lucky enough to share this precious experience with my favourite person on the planet this past weekend. I went camping with my hubby at a nearby lake. We took our two horses and rediscovered old trails. Well, I did - the hubby hadn't been before. Needless to say, I've sold him on the locale. We did everything from sand dune climbing, sand pit exploring, deep water crossing and deep woods riding. I used to do this every year and while I knew then how precious it was, I'd forgotten just how much I need to stay connected with nature. It soothes all of my hurts and shores up my reserves like nothing I've ever encountered.

Our one escape this year lasted from Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon and I will be riding on the high until we can do it again.

Ready to Ride

Let me try out Mom's riding boots...



Now the other one...


Yup! They FIT! Let's saddle up!

Picture Mantage...

Yo.
M'car box...

One of m'cars...

Climbing on Mom...

Sittin' Tall...

Teeth and Tap Shoes

We continue to be dumb-struck by how happy of a child we have. Always, he's ready with a toothy smile. Every exchange seems to bubble with chortling giggles and ecstatic squeals.

Ever helpful, he very intently watches everything we do. Things have their places and times have their deeds. He LOVES knowing what comes next and beating us to it.

Like all babies, another favourite is, without a doubt, music. The funkier the beat, the more jamin' the time. He's great with his feet, hips and arms. We're particularly bias, amazed at how well he keeps his rhythm. When it comes to ballads, the arms go up and the voice oh-so-gently croons out.

For a birthday event, Kaleb and Dad got creative. Ginormous cards with hand prints, foot prints and all manner of toddler scribbles to be cherished forever. I could have done without the massive "30" taking up centre stage, but... bygones.

!!! I cannot BELIEVE how much larger his foot print is! I mean, yah - you go through shoe sizes with the same speed a ski jumper approaches the end of the ramp, but to see the stone-hard print on that stark white paper is a real eye-opener! MAN, those little footy prints have doubled in 15 months!!

We love how big he's already grown. He's still slightly smaller than his similar-aged counter-parts, but he's more than sturdy, rustle-tustle. It is so great to wrastle and snuggle with such a sweet-smelling, giggling little monkey. It has to be my absolute favourite.

I cannot believe how much I love these days.

Another Me Post

Don't know if you guys prefer or bemoan these posts, but it is my cathartic blog, after all. I have the power.

I've always been one to self-analyze to the point of nausea.

I recently had a new client find their way to my grooming salon. She was very terse over the phone, boarderline rude. I was grouching right up til she arrived, whereupon I put on my business face. I met her drama with a calm and firm lack of fluster. I was neither cowed, apologetic (I had nothing to be sorry for), nor was I bubbly. Amazingly, this diffused the storm immediately and seemed to almost relax her. Extenuating circumstances had her staying during the course of her dog's spa treatment. Conversation started out very sterile and polite but quickly progressed to the meat and potatoes. She'd battled and won not one but FOUR rounds with cancer. While I may not agree with her coping style, I could certainly understand it. Before my very eyes, as I related our own experience in my very matter-of-fact, what is just simply IS style, she melted into the friendliest little puddle.

This entirely new experience in customer relations has shone the light on my own encounters with people. I could clearly see that it was my lack of emotional reaction that helped her to unwind and find a stronger support. For myself anyway, all those flowery words of sympathy and pity puts me more on guard... as though such a cloud of fluff would drop me like a stone should I try to stand or lean on it. I myself used to vomit such an effusion upon hearing of someone's own great trial and tragedy, all the while edging away and subconsciensly hoping it wouldn't trigger some mystical karmic force of contagiousness. How awful to admit that about one's self, to discover that about one's self. Upon reflection, I was always ashamed of this response, even as I slinked away. I now realise what all The Initiated realise; to expend that much energy on emotional displays is to compromise the conquering of that mountain set before you. You are quickly stream-lined into a more efficient processing machine or you fail. Similarly, if you're obligated to drag someone wailing and flailing up over that mountain, you're going to fail. Much better to have an equal partner who knows how to boost as well as how to bounce off your boost.

I find myself relieved to be able to now offer an "I hear ya, Sister." I've faced a level of fear I didn't know I could feel, much less overcome. I am STRONG ENOUGH. Strong enough to do it again. Strong enough to stand with those who may need me in any capacity through their own journey.

I am battle-ready BUT I am also softened, so as to enjoy what pleasures and joys are before me now. More than ever, I appreciate the importance of cherishing of what is precious and good RIGHT NOW. We have so so much to be grateful for.

Children's Wish Ride

Well, the dinner, anyway. That's all the little man had stamina for.

We haven't yet had the pleasure to bring our horses to this event, but we were excited to bring Kaleb this year. He loved seeing all the horses, rocking out to the live music and making his rounds through the crowd. We're pretty sure there does not remain a cooler uninspected, nor a lawn chair untested. He made the amazing discovery of how speakers vibrate with their own beat and helped us select a few prizes in the silent auction. The lovely ladies doing the face painting were a big hit with him, too. And of course, we cannot forget the delectable eats! It was such a wonderful evening!

The First HAIR CUT

Something seems fishy about this place...

What are we doing? What's going on?

Definitely don't like this!!!

All Done!

Hamin Around The House

Just some updating photos, so y'all don't lose track of what the hairy little beast looks like...
We have our first haircut scheduled for Friday (eek!).

How can anyone not appreciate the imp in these shots? He is SO much fun!

Peeling Away the Layers

The light bulb sputtered and blinked on during some girl-talk last night. I’ve been really bothered by my lack of feeling toward my own animals, lately. I still appreciate them but I just can’t seem to feel warm about them anymore, as though I'm somehow detached. And I finally figured out exactly why I needed to cycle out the paint gelding I’ve been enjoying for the last 3 years for something less needy.

This entire life event we have sustained exercised the limitations of my emotional self. I reached and returned from depths I never knew I could visit, let alone survive. In a way, it adjusted my prioritising of everything in my life. While I hang on to every successful day forward with an impossibly open heart and just try to relax and soak everything in, I’m sure that no matter how far we get with the little man, I will always have a monkey on my back.

The specialists tell us to expect cancer to return, that it is our new reality. Thing is, the little champion hasn’t actually fit into any box they try to stuff him into. Patrick refuses to even entertain the idea, like a good parent. While I certainly cling to the hope that he'll defy another of their gloomy expectations like a de-clawed cat falling out of a tree, I can’t stop my subconscious from keeping the glove pumped and ready. I think this is exactly why I can’t drum up the warm fuzzies for simple things. I actually resent anything that vacuums what little energy I have left, as though I’m scurrying to recharge before another hit and anything that inhibits that effort is detrimental to my very existence.

My animal time is my therapy. With the paint horse, a rider needs to be 110% engaged in mind as well as body, which can be a wonderfully fun way to ride when you have the luxury of enough stored emotion. For now, I need a horse that I can just turn everything off with and chill. I can appreciate and trickle what precious little I have left into a being like this with no pressure at all.

I have gratitude for all that gives me space, for all that nurtures peace.

Some Beach

We had a fantastic time at our local pond today! I’m still kicking myself for forgetting the camera.

I barely got the first towel laid out in a shady spot before Kaleb demonstrated that he knew just what to do with that! The little man stretched right out for a minute of solid relaxation like he’d done it a dozen times before. He wasn’t initially too keen on the cool temps of the bright blue water (no doubt colour compliments of a healthy combo of our quarry-based locale and some good ol’ chlorine) but warmed up to the idea with a few games of peek-a-boo.

We spent quite a bit of time lounging on our towels, people watching over some berries and crackers. Oh, and some more flat-out relaxing. He also enjoyed moving some sand and managed to coerce someone out of a red ball.

Note to parents: don’t go to a place filled with sand and water with your child and NOT BRING A TOY.

Pucker Up

Our latest thing is giving kisses. Got my first one this morning. Dad has been bestowed two, all have been on our knees. Not sure what the correlation is, but we'll gladly take it. He's been hugging on request for some time, now. Nothing better than an affectionate baby!

He's fearless around the horses - scarily so. Thank goodness all are kind hearted, even if slightly apprehensive. We're filling our pasture up with boarders to maximise our property. We decided that 12 acres for only our two horses was a luxury we couldn't afford just now. We've been enjoying the extra activity and everyone has been respectful so far. I'm the first one to say horse people can be a little nutty at times.

Our daycare provider has recently had her baby (congratulations, Bryanna!). We've been enjoying having the little man home again 24/7. We will enjoy taking him back to her even more come September. He just loves going there and we appreciate the opportunity to scrape toddler grunge off the floors, windows, walls and doors in the house. Seems rather frivolous to chase after him with a washcloth while he's here, especially when every ounce of energy is required to simply keep up with him. Never do you have the luxury of being a step ahead, either.

Delightful little monster.

Picture Time!

This is my Mum, sleeping.



Should I wake her up?


Maybe a stinky foot will do the job!

Maybe some jostlin' and hollerin'...

When all else fails, a HUG will do it!

Me Post - Please Forgive the Indulgence

Normally I find peace at this time of night. The little man is sound asleep in his crib, work has wrapped up and everything is calm outside my window. But as I gaze up through low, robust clouds at a brilliant, winking blue canvas beyond, I struggle to settle a maelstrom within.

I worry that I will never find my happy niche, my footing in this new life. My son is healthy and I am humbly grateful for this fact. And yet every day I continue to feel the weight of ever-present awareness of those who still struggle and freshly stumble with similar setbacks. I feel a deep anger build at every new attack of the Big C on friends and family. I ache, watching others now wade through what is too freshly behind us.

Beyond that, I feel constant anxiety about succeeding on a professional level, for both my husband and myself. The reality of starting a new business and re-starting one that never did reach full-gear is daunting. Throughout my life, I’ve always treated my finances as though they were in a precarious state, but until now I had no idea what that truly meant.

I’ve always felt good about starting out with hand-me-downs, bare basics and meagre goodies. Almost as though we were building a good, honest life on a solid foundation. As though it would somehow last longer if we built with our own hard work.

This new stage of our lives, even just the recovery of our previous momentum, is brutally humbling. It is interesting to me how during a time when we’re scrambling to pay basic bills, the pull for the finer things has tripled in strength. I know the day will come when we no longer have to grind the last drop out of every penny, but hanging in there for the realisation is going to be a true test of fortitude.

Good thing I’m one stubborn egg.

A Few of My Favourite Things

Toddler conversation has to be the top thing. I absolutely LOVE having him very earnestly look me in the eye and tell me some baby whopper. He'll even often enjoy his own joke with a good, hearty laugh at the end of his story. He'll also laugh and talk with his friends on the other end of his shoe-phone, or remote control-phone or even the ever-clever perogie-phone (or noodle, or blue berry).

And of course, I can't resist the words he has mastered. His favourite is "All-done". Beit the end of dinner time, the end of wiping the face, or the end to a very short nap, the phrase is coming in very handy.

We are tackling a tooth/sinus issue this week that is disrupting everyone's sleep, of course. And the mosquito bites are looking more and more like chicken pox - on only his face and hands (the bits not covered by his pj's. He's bearing it all in relatively good temper, though.

He is most precious.

Another Beautiful Day!

Sunday dawned bright and unrecognisable once again after 6 days of gloom and soak. Two in a row!!

The little man woke up as sunny as the day, full of cheerful play. His fashion choices for the morning were top of the line. A long-sleeved diaper shirt, his favourite hat and of course, his shoes.

We did some fishin...

Some toy assemblin...

And some camera muggin...

After a quick morning nap, we hit the road. The picnic spot was nestled under a lush canopy of mature trees with tons of structures geared toward toddler+ play. All of Kaleb's 2nd cousins made an appearances - there were babies everywhere! Unfortunately, I was so busy chasing ONE toddler around willy-nilly that I didn't have much opportunity for photo ops. Here is what I did manage:

THANK YOU BBQ!

The weather was just fantastic!!

We had a turn-out of 50+ people and of course, 'pony' rides on Big Bill were a huge hit - with the kiddies and even with a few adults.

Thank you so much to everyone who came out and certainly we were sorry that so many who've helped us could not make it! We're always happy to have people pop in for a visit, so don't be shy!

Shirtless Men

Made you look!

The Little Man is growing into a quite a loving, playful little dude. He's practicing his laugh. He'll often seek us out for a hug or a good tickle-wrastle. His vocabulary is expanding to a lot of "gurglegurlgegurlge"s and tongue flapping... literally. He loves to sing along and dance to any tune. He enjoys all the different dogs that come through his home and he's just dying to get up close and cuddly with the horses.

Speaking of the beasts, I've had to make the difficult decision to transition myself from my fun-loving paint horse to something a little more child-friendly. Patrick's older horse is mellow enough for a rowdy toddler but mine just isn't comfortable with the sporadic energy of youthful tiny people. Rather than tempt fate with higher-than-necessary odds, I've vowed to try and find Scotch some young person who wants to devote their lives to all things horsey... there's tones of us 14 year-old versions out there and he has a lot to give. Or maybe a gentle retire-ee who wants to spend sunsets on the trail... He'd be a good match for anyone wanting a puppy-dog buddy.

I find the morphing of priorities and life goals to be a touch unsettling, almost as though I'm having difficulty placing my thumb on exactly the dimensions I want to eek out next. I envy my younger self her black & white perspectives... things were much easier when I only had to think about myself... but life sure is sweeter, now. Wouldn't trade anything about my life for the world.

Thankful for Another Mother's Day

My second Mother's Day was pretty spectacular. We spent a very low-key morning together, going for a wagon ride and just soaking in the beautiful day. I was able to catch a nice nap, play with my horse and was treated to a FABULOUS movie, followed up with a home-cooked BBQ. Doesn't get much better than that!

Stylin' in his new shades:

His current favourite toy(yes I mean the box, though the hat is a close second):

Where's Your Tummy? (He even pushes it out for better effect.)

Better than a Lazy-Boy!

And just for giggles, a mother's day ride:

Every time I open the internet my homepage is this blog. I would like to write more often, but find myself in too much of a fog. I stumble through my days, booking enjoyable things like work, horse time, friend time, etc. Yet I still find myself struggling to FEEL my days... Little indicators of stress are popping up on my physical self like psoriasis, which I haven't seen since I left my prior ill-fitting career. I step over house clutter that would never have even been allowed a foothold. Craziest yet - I allow the poor hubby to do things that I would NOT have let out of my specific hands-on control. He's certainly messing up laundry out of desperation and I can't be bothered to care. This is going to be the year of over-hauling my health. I AM going to re-establish the sharp clarity my type-A self thrives on. I AM going to wake up...