Strong Man Kaleb

No Cabin Fever Here!

2012-02-18T16:30:00.000-08:00

What glorious weather we've had this winter! Even Kaleb was feelin' the need to take advantage of it... PICTURE POST!

Holidays are THE BOMB

2012-01-08T20:54:00.000-08:00

The boy could not believe that Santa really got him the green bike he asked for. Lots of great family visiting across the board. Lots of amazing food as well as yummy junk, of course. Kaleb handled the hectic schedule well, though some food from somewhere along the road didn't agree with him, the poor nugget. He took it in stride, though, and marched right along with the play once cleaned up.

"They" talk about development landmarks, in particular chemical short-circuiting in the brain during growth spurts during the 2-4 year mark, as well as the 13-14 year mark. I can say for certain that we've witnessed such evidence in our own son. A completely happy and reasonable, well-mannered child will instantaneously dissolve into a thrashing puddle of dramatic emotion over absolutley nothing... we cannot mark any trigger or pattern. There's no reasoning until the storm passes, just as abruptly releasing our child as it overtakes him. Fortunately, we seem to be leaving this stage behind us more and more.

Mom scored as well as Son. A cute new hat, a Zumba certificate to my favourite instructor, and a Kobo! Totally unexcpected and totally addictive. Hence my absence from the internet... oops.

Looking forward to getting back into a normal schedule. Work is humming along and I'm getting back on the horse (finally!). Kaleb continues to adore and thrive in his daycare situation and the hubby is nicely occupied by his own work schedule. Still lots of play... it's ice fishing season and mild weather just begs for more hoofprints in the snow.

Life is good and the journey is sweetly lazy.

What DO Little Boys Get Up To When Mom & Dad Blink?

2011-11-16T09:27:00.000-08:00

Exhibit A (Ooh! Very pretty!):

Exhibit B (Hmm... the first moment things might have gone awry.):

Exhibit C:

Exhibits D & E:

And finally, Exhibit F:

He was very proud of putting on his own "mustache". Maybe face painting one on could have been avoided for halloween this year...

Good times.

Trick or Treat! Smell My Feet!

2011-11-05T17:15:00.001-07:00

110% Potty Trained!!

2011-10-18T19:51:00.000-07:00

No diapers at all for well over 10 days. Horray! The good and bad of life really does motor on, regardless of any insignificant incidentals each of us as individuals may be sorting through, doesn't it?

For the first time in more years than I can remember, I truly feel weightless about life. I'm not pretending or wishing... I truly feel it. It has been a long road of processing, re-assessing and re-aligning. The real bolt slid home once the needle etched my "strongmankaleb" tattoo this fall - my homage to our family strength, to our incredible son and to living the life we aim for.

I know perhaps that not everyone will understand this burning need some of us have to physically commemorate meaningful events upon our own bodies. I've tried to explain my personal need to acknowledge and delare a passage of rites, a glorious battle trophy and with this most recent adition, it finally feels like that final step, planted with a resounding thunderous smash atop my mountain, is firmly affixed.

I'm home and I LOVE it.

Summer has Fallen

2011-09-28T19:25:00.001-07:00

Puzzles, tricks and problem solving really attract our little adult. His self expression knocks us into fits of laughter daily. During a 4 a.m. potty break, Dad asked him what he was dreaming about that night. His response: "Oh, not too much."

Potty training is 99.9% there, with more dry diapers greeting the mornings than not. He enjoys cleaning up as much as he enjoys trashing the place. I LOVE the stray hotwheels car tucked into the door jam, the errant peanut butter smear on my shirt, and the cracker crumbs in (Dad's side) of the sheets.

He's incredibly bossy for one with such limited scope on the workings of life, though he vehemently denies it. He knows which route we take to drive home from daycare and woe be the driver who strays. Oh, and you'd better blow on your hot food before you take a bite, not to mention sit in your assigned spot!

He loves whispering wet secrets into your ear and smashing juicy kisses onto your face. Make a fishy move, though and he'll nail you to the wall with the sharpest stink eye you've ever been slain with.

He is entirely our son.

Beat the Heat

2011-07-13T14:56:00.000-07:00

Last summer we were just trying to get our footing after being spit out on our own. This summer, we're enjoying and stretching out into every corner of our new lives. Business is strong and yet we still maintain time to absorb life with one gorgeous little monster at the most leisurely pace imaginable. It still somehow seems a sin while everyone else buzzes about us in the rat race.

Dialogue is coming along at an entertaining pace. I just adore his little expressions and favourite routines. Brushing his teeth, putting toys away, collecting bugs, closing gates (we have a few), commanding dogs like a seasoned pro. Even his super-hairy eyeballs and fiesty outbursts are things I'm disgustingly delighted to witness.

Random Thoughts

2011-06-13T18:51:00.000-07:00

The horizon is backlit by a glorious yellow sunset as a silent, dark weight crouches over our cozy little home. I can hear fat juicy raindrops pellet the deck out the open kitchen window at the back of the house. The concrete of the front stoop refuses to yeild to the incessant barrage, out the screen door directly beside my perch. A healthy breeze taunts me, gently calling through that portal delightful scents of everything green, growing and wet. Summer is here and boy am I ready. There is something so nourishing about a good summer storm. It seems to draw everything violent and unsettled out from within me, releasing unto something much bigger. Certainly, no man has ever made me feel more tiny and delicate than the raw forces of nature. The field directly across from our little house teases forward some of my favourite memories in it's mimicry of a childhood waterfront cabin. The storms that blew in off THAT platform were enough to make a person dance and weep simultaneously (which I may or may not have done down on the dock in my bathing suit - NOT my birthday suit).

Just as knock-me-off-my-feet as a good storm is, are all the different parts of our son. I know every mother knows that her child(ren) has the utmost delicious bits ever to exist in life. I can't decide if it's the bottoms of his feet, the breadth of his tummy, his chubby little cheeks (both sets) or his soft [sleepy] hands. Those same hands are unintentionally torturous in his exuberant affection during wakefulness. Tickle, Tickle indeed, lil' bugger. He smells better than even everything green, most times. I'm always trying to steal little pieces of him by filling my lungs with his scent. If only I could carry that with me always.

Work has happily exploded for Patrick, which relieves the household budget substantially and feeds his own self to unknown heights. He's really feeling and growing on his own terms and doing well for it. He loves his work. After supporting me through my move from an incorrect career path to one that feeds me, I sing and dance at his white-knuckled grip on dreams begun. My kennel remains almost completely booked, with two or three days off at a time - just perfect for catching up on scouring and scrubbing. My grooming schedule could still be a little more dense but I'm satisfied with my growth rate. I'm pretty sure I'm retaining at least 98% of my customers. It surprises me how much I enjoy bringing a smile to people's faces over something as silly as a puppy haircut. Go figure. Our horse boarding venture is a raging success this summer. We've filled our "barn" with a gorgeous and diverse herd owning equally lovely people. It is quite nice to have a gentle hum of positive energy about the place that we can just happily jump into now & then.

Life smells so great again.

Weekend Photo

2011-06-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of a friend...

Shhhhhh.....!

2011-05-19T20:09:00.000-07:00

Each morning at about 6 a.m., I'm plucked by precious finger tips out of the heaviest part of my slumber. They reach up over my side of the bed, looking for purchase to pull the sweetest-smelling pot-bellied cherub up for another hour of dozing snuggles. Without fail, 15 minutes before 7 a.m. those same finger tips start dancing across my face. A perky lip-smacking smooch is planted on the apple of my cheek just before the faintest wisper of "outside?" bores into my ear cannals. Damn.

Put just this way, how can anyone refuse?

The monster is insatiable when it comes to the great outdoors. Whatever may be on the docket to get done, the entire day's events is punctuated by multiple sweet requests and throw-down tantrum screams to be out from under any roof. Whether it's playing in sand, walking down the road, climbing on numerous objects - from the lawn tractor to bolders to tree stumps to playstructures, feeding the horses, refereeing the dogs... it could go on and on. Invariably, I'm ready for our nap before 1o a.m. Dad seems to be better at this sort of thing, often leading the charge of mayhem as I stumble over my own feet to keep up.

Exquisite Times

2011-04-12T20:16:00.000-07:00

A little update... not cause I was prodded with an electric stick, or anything... *cough*

The only reason I need any prodding, I'm happy to say, is because we're having so much fun that I don't want to miss a second by living outside of a single moment. And I'm running my damned feet off, I'm so busy.

I LOVE being this busy with work. I'm lucky enough to have some really great clients and for the most part, every day in my own business is a joy. I'm tweaking and primping my space, not only for an open house I'm hosting on the 1st of May, but just to make my space pop for myself. It has been a little tricky managing with recent construction in the yard, but the constant flux of mud and sand through our buildings has pushed us to finally address the functionality and aesthetics of our yards. I'm very excited to see everything finished. The looming deadline I've imposed on us will see the work done and the results ready to enjoy for the rest of the summer!

Oh, right... you guys are here for the cherub. Excuse the side-track... Our little man has passed another round of tests and scans with flying colours. He's been experiencing some fevers while coping with colds and the threat of mollars, which I understand can take a couple of years to wrap up. I can't help but feel my veins freeze every time he feels warm. It's such a massive crimson flag for leukemia, in general. We allow his body to do its thing, duking it out until we reach 100. Then we employ some artificial control in the form of baby ibuprofen and so far things have always calmed back down. Bitter sweet, is my expansive knowledge on how to dose per weight... and too, my relief at our impressive collection of medical plungers/droppers. I never trust the ones that come with the bottles. I'm glad to be confident in my handling of such things, but annoyed as to why I am.

Developmentally, our boy is sailing right along. He's stringing together three words and looking for more. His own language is still the go-to for story telling, of which he is a master and artiste. He puts his own boots on - either the mucky outside ones or the squeeky clean inside ones. He loves to pass you pillows as you make the bed, or climb under the covers as you parachute them up. He's very affectionate, with lots of hugs and kisses - especially to make a boo boo better. His sense of humour is fantastic. Puddles are the best thing EVER and I can't find it in me to stress about wet pants or booters. Changing into clean, dry clothes is part of the experience, after all. The potty continues to be a fun game - we even made it happen, once! It has also become a source of bedtime evasion, clever boy.

I hope he never ceases to be this yummy.

Birthday Boy

2011-03-12T19:23:00.000-08:00

The big day was on the 10th, of course. We spent the day prior at the Steinbach Aquatic Centre. All I have to say is AMAZING! There was a whirl pool that carried you around a little circuit, there were water fountains, a bubbling shallow pool and even a water slide! AND the family change rooms are as large and accommodating as the regular change rooms!! Horray! Definitely worth the visit. The kid had a great time, too. In fact, we've been visiting a pool every week and I'm pretty sure it's his favourite thing to do.

Picture time:

On his birthday morning, hogging Mom's favourite slowly-wake-up spot...

And finally, some nice enough weather lately to play outside with his favourite buddies!

Essentially, not much has changed since 12:03 March 10, 2011. Oh, right... except for the raging demon that lay silently waiting within our precious child for that precise moment to launch itself full-force into every disagreement (...when did this become a democracy?), every hairy eyeball and every 5 minute tantrum. We have reached new heights with our efforts to maintain our line... I feel like a monstrous bully most of the time. Having a teammate on the same page gives me the reassurance that we're only pushing back as hard as he pushes us and that it is for his best interest. For the most part, he's still a polite and happy little dude. It's just that when his strong little opinion does differ from ours, the LID IS OFF.

I think I can hang in there... except, well damn, my knuckles are already white. What's it been... 2 DAYS?!

PoolSide

2011-02-24T07:12:00.000-08:00

We had an awesome adventure yesterday. Cabin fever has set in at our house and we're all snapping at each other like sharks. So it was entirely fitting that we took it to the water.

Actually, we had SO much fun and it was just the break we needed to feel good again. The boy was unsure at first, but the ball was a good distraction and Mom & Dad were in the water. It wasn't long before he decided he wanted to join us.

And it took even less time for him to decide that this water thing was neat! Within minutes of being in my arms in the pool, he was exploring how the water moved over his feet and hands. He LOVED wearing the bright red life jacket and was a little sad when we took it off for a bit.

A couple of bouts of temper earned him some poolside talks and he was eager to jump back into the water on his best behaviour.

His favourite water toy was hands-down the little orange slide. "Again!" A close second was zooming on his tummy through the water (held in Mom's arms). And definitely we can't forget some righteous splashing at Dad by kicking his little legs for all he was worth.

We're hoping to go once a week.

Revelations Continue

2011-02-14T21:23:00.000-08:00

I've said before how I was amazed that not until a year past our exit from crisis did I finally feel like I might begin to understand myself again.

Apparently, the same is true for my masculine half. This couples' holiday was marked with a great breakthrough in his healing process. He's spent this time marching forward, burrying what has happened and what could happen. All this time, even as I've been getting better (thanks to some outside perspective via my glorious brain mechanic) I've felt unnamed disconnect, no matter how well we seemed to function together. And all too often, we would experience moments when we couldn't be effective teammates, for no apparent reason. He finally admitted to himself and to me that he's been pretending, trying to 'fake it til you make it'. I suspect instead of employing the skills of a professional as I resorted to, he'll muddle through and iron this out very effectively on his own. The man is reflective, if he's anything, that's for sure.

Now for some light-hearted pics:

Heaven

2011-01-29T18:51:00.001-08:00

There is something so yummy about hugging and snuggling a tiny person of your own self.

The instant joy and soaring heart hit before those tiny hands can even clamp around your neck, their own little version of a vice. It's better than a deep breath after a fresh rain, better than a warm fire on a crisp evening, better than chocolate cake with coconut sprinkles (for those who know me, this is something of a deal).

Sure, hugging loved ones has always been little slices of grounding wholesome goodness, but baby hugs are wholegrain wholesome. They show me the ground my roots were born in and which way they continue to grow. His chubby little arms, happy feet and busy hands... they touch something inside me I had no idea existed.

I've never deluded myself for a second that I would be one of those moms. You know the ones... they recreate motherhood from the womb - out, morphing it into an artform. Picasso Moms delight in bringing everything back from the begining of time and making it new, not to mention showcasing that prowess to the world with great zeal. And all the power to them. How could one not honour a good parent?

I consider motherhood a piece of myself, just as being a business owner is a piece of myself, just as being some kind of a horseback rider is a peice of myself. Kaleb ranks right up there with being as good a partner to the hubby as I can. Horse time rolls in with definite high ranking, if only I had more leisure to invest into it (boo hoo, poor me). I do take pride in muscling out a definitive outline in my entrepreneurial work, but am constantly daydreaming about improving things or even my next/other venture... insatiable career hog, but only if I can work to live. I will never live to work, never again be a slave to any job.

In these times of meagre wallets, we are enjoying a part-time daycare schedule. I'm ecstatic for every day of the week, equally. Jogging right beside my constant concern for meeting financial obligations, is my delight at being so present and involved during these first five years of our son's development. We know how fleeting it is. It's an interesting and stimulating state of emotional conflict. Days of child care afford us the freedom to run the household and days of having him home are full of adventure and manner-moulding.

I'm really enjoying this phase of our lives. I try to absorb everything through every pore. I want to remember it all and learn from it all. I will never be here again.

TROUBLE

2011-01-03T20:19:00.000-08:00

Well, that's what we're calling him tonight, anyway.

To give us a clear perspective on tonight's adventures, here is our boy earlier today, modeling a new hat...

And without the hat, just to recall what his hair did look like...

We put him in his room to work out a little tantrum and were vaguely aware and relieved when all quieted down for a while. He'll often play in his room, 'reading' his books and playing with toys, so we thought nothing of it as we kept one ear on the typical quiet playing noises. When we did poke our heads in to make sure all was well, this is what we discovered (!!!):

As a child often afflicted with eczema, a nightly routine of applying a galaxal/vaseline cream to his skin has become essential. To further this, one of his grandmothers recently introduced the idea of cream to his cold-chapped cheeks. He had already taken the initiative once before to apply some cream to his face at grandma's but we caught him before too much damage was done.

This time, he got into a TUB of cream, spread it over all himself including in his hair, ears, eyelashes and between his toes. He then proceeded to paint the interior of his room, including but not limited to the dresser, walls, carpeting and bedding.

Gifts Galore

2010-12-28T21:24:00.000-08:00

As expected, the kid did not lack for gifts. Everyone made sure of that! We even had the extreme honour of accepting one of five ginormous hampers our community of Stony Mountain gathers for families each year. We could NOT believe how the generosity just keeps rolling in at us. Words can't express how grateful we are. A HUGE thank you to the Fire Department and entire community of Stony!!

And now a couple of shots of our quiet little morning.

This has been one of his top two favourite toys. It has great music when he pushes the forward button and barks when the backward button is pushed. And then it has the added feature of being able to be dragged around by the cord... anything that will follow him on a line is a BIG hit... case in point, his best friend the shoelace, which he's had for the last two months.

The absolute best gift is his red Mickey Mouse cell phone. It's a flip phone and he's figured out how to get Mickey to talk to him just so he can shout bye and snap it shut. And let's not forget the fabulous screeching, "I'm connecting to the internet thru dial-up" sound. (Whaa..?) We ALL love that button. He's crazy for the thing and is always intent on establishing just where everyone else's flip phone is before going about his conversations, just to be sure we're all as content as he is. I'm worried about his future priorities. I'd rather he knew where his horse was. The best feature for us is its portability. We can take it everywhere and have a some-what occupied toddler!

Hmmm... Am I already leaning on the tidy little tricks of a distracted, multi-tasking parent?

Don't Let the Bedbugs Bite.

2010-12-19T20:25:00.000-08:00

Every night we have a routine that starts anywhere between 6 & 7 p.m., depending on his mood.

We change his bum, put on all his creams (eczema issues), snuggle into a sleeper, grab a soother from the shelf and tuck him into his big boy bed. We kiss him goodnight and walk out of the room, closing the door behind us. Then we settle in for 30 - 60 minutes of him laughing, talking, 'reading' his books in the dark, or to his totally Type A mother's absolute delight, re-arranging of the dresser drawer contents.

Since the arrival of the Browner, there's been a new distraction added to his room... his inflatable play fort from Grandpa, which previously resided in the living room. The result is this:

Yup, poor kid crashed right in the middle of a meeting with his stuffed animal friends. Must have been some BORING flow charts.

!Charlie Brown Forever!

2010-12-15T21:17:00.000-08:00

Ya, it's my brother's name, but sorry Bud - it's the tree I'm gone on. No matter where life takes us, I promise right here, right now to only take home the scrawniest of trees. These guys have always been my best childhood memories, right down to one we had in our back yard. I love giving them some love and let us be honest - a celebrated decoration is truly the highest bar the Browner could ever hope to reach. I mean, what's this one - 10, 15 years old? Yikes. It also touches something within me relating to meager and honest beginnings... a strong journey of building a foundation worth investing in.

Finally got some shots of the boy goofing around on his bed, though the true effect of just how small he was when we first made the trasition is already lost. Growing like a weed, and that darned number on the scale just won't climb with his topline! STILL the 24 pounds he's been for the past i-don't-know-how-many months! But he LOVES his bed and all the cozy blankets that go with it.

SANTA!!..?

2010-12-07T09:25:00.001-08:00

We're not sure who was more ecstatic to see the other... Actually, by the time the photo shoot was over, Kaleb was giving Santa Hi Fives and Fist Pumps. That's as cozy as they got. Oh well. Next year they'll be chums!

We're pretty excited for Kaleb's first (real) Christmas. We'll got to get a tree next week and learn all about not touching something covered with pretty twinkling toys and lights. Yikes.

Long Time, No Post

2010-11-28T09:17:00.000-08:00

We've been busy around the homestead, getting ready for winter and settling into our comfy new life. I wonder when it will cease to feel "new"... For almost the entire part, I feel ecstatic with how the dust is settling. There are many days full of work that feeds whatever monster resides within. There are just as many days spent playing with a happy, mischievous son - and rarely does it not feel like play. We are so proud of how he's forming, even the rowdy parts! My husband is finding focus, purpose and strength in his growing business. There's enough time to get my hands and heart dirty working with the horses. I'm getting more into the habit of maintaining my connection with what makes me feel like me. I still have days of cold silence that I can't seem to break through, no matter how much my husband and child rail at me, but very thankfully they are fewer and further between.

The memory of feeling like life could not possibly ever feel good again, and the realisation that it already does taste so sweet almost bowls me over. It anchors my perspective, constantly.

Now for the fun stuff:

We tried potty training for an afternoon... not quite ready, though it was fun to try! Photos like these are SO coming back to bite me in the ...er... well, as shown below.

Horsin around the house - he LOVES his new boots and the hat has finally won him over. As I type, he's taking a nap with both items on.

His first foray into the cold white stuff. Loves it, but not so much when it finds its way into his mittens. I feel ya, buddy.

Halloween Apples!

2010-11-03T17:36:00.000-07:00

Well, crud. Posted on the 31st, but internet crashed on me and obviously didn't push this through!

Kaleb has one fierce ROAR.

So we chose to be a Dinosaur!! He LOVED this entire game. We were thinking two, maybe four houses, but the kid couldn't get enough! We halloweened for an HOUR. We had to shut him down! It was entirely too much fun.

On a more current note, last night was our first night in the BIG BOY BED!!! I'll have to get a shot of him all bundled up in this thing. It's actually a reglar double bed. We've removed the bed rails so the box spring sits directly on the floor. He's so adorably tiny in it!

He did quite well, spending his typical hour of crib play exploring the new freedom with laps through the house and ultra-quiet story time in the dark. Never before has he been so interested in those books! Once that hour was through, he konked out right till 7 a.m., whereupon he rediscovered his books for another 45 mins before coming to greet us for the day.

What a phenomenally fun boy!

Illusions

2010-10-29T18:15:00.000-07:00

Not many quality posts here, lately. The truth is not that I have nothing to write. The truth is that I have been hiding.

When this little ride of ours stopped, I felt pressure to get right back to 'normal', whatever that was. Everything was finished, we'd dodged a bullet that so many are not lucky enough to and it was time to be grateful and march on. Reality, for anyone who has experienced anything near similar, is far different.

A wonderful new brain mechanic has helped me to first see and then begin work to remedy the condition of being stuck on Autopilot. This was so necessary to being able to function for so long, that I could no longer tell the difference. Further more, I had so effectively closed off my emotional self from my functional self that I had no idea how to bring the two back together. Not only have my friendships suffered, but my marriage was feeling the blows. The only pearl of clarity available to me was our son. His gleeful pursuit of life has always been an anchor. In my mind's eye, I could always clearly see him and everything around us was fuzzy. I could not bring forth emotion to fully experience anything that once brought me joy. I could not connect with friends and family so dear to me. I could present a great face and tackle anything in my day, but I rarely even remembered details. I did not understand this block, I barely even recognised it... I just knew that things somehow weren't right. It was almost like emerging from a pool only to find a lid in place, forcing me to tread water.

Two things happened very close together to lift my fog of illusion. My husband and I escaped for two amazing days of camping and riding our horses. The submersion in all things nature brought me back to myself for the first time since my son's birth. I love him more than I knew how, but he sure knocked me off my centre, even before the Big C. The following week was my first date with The Mechanic, the putting into words exactly what was going on and the developing of plans to work my way out.

I finally feel peace about so many things I didn't even realise were causing turmoil. Someone has helped me to see the dangling little rope ladder leading up out of this hole of confusion. It's a process that will I'm sure take me the rest of my life, but I'm a very introspective person... I know I'll do just fine.

Developmentally, the little man continues to tickle us pink. He's really working on expanding and clarifying his words this week. He can understand us as clearly as anyone and will go to his room and close the door when asked to think about a particular temper tantrum. That's our favourite right now. He's also climbing anything and everything with a new energy and efficiency. Almost as though he's been thinking about it all this time and finally figured it out. My bicycle (onto the seat), the riding arena gate (to the top!), nothing is too daunting.

I'm so head-over-heels and trying so hard not to let it go to his head.

New Friends

2010-10-19T18:22:00.000-07:00

We were recently in the very fortunate position of having a friend for Kaleb fall into our laps.

Meet Scout, a 5 month-old Gotland Pony!

He has an exceptional personality and his breed is known for their fondness of children. Already, this boy is living up to his name. For the next 3 years, he will learn all about manners and every other skill we can teach him without actually climbing onto his back. Then he will go to school to learn all about being a reliable riding mount. He will be a good sized pony, at least 13hh. That's about 8-10 inches shorter than the horses Patrick & I ride. Scout has a very similar eagerness for discovering adventure that Kaleb does. I'm sure they'll get into endless trouble together!

Home.

2010-09-13T13:58:00.000-07:00

There is a special spot on this planet from where I began. That is the best way to describe how I feel about returning. It has been too long since I last breathed of this space, where breathing was first born. I believe this spot is different for everyone. For myself, it is a wood heavily populated with evergreens, moss and lichens. The ground is always damp and quiet, the shade always cool and scent always a soul-stretching renewal. The best vehicle for recharging my batteries is without hesitation a horse, though a good pair of hiking shoes are sometimes a tight second choice.

I was lucky enough to share this precious experience with my favourite person on the planet this past weekend. I went camping with my hubby at a nearby lake. We took our two horses and rediscovered old trails. Well, I did - the hubby hadn't been before. Needless to say, I've sold him on the locale. We did everything from sand dune climbing, sand pit exploring, deep water crossing and deep woods riding. I used to do this every year and while I knew then how precious it was, I'd forgotten just how much I need to stay connected with nature. It soothes all of my hurts and shores up my reserves like nothing I've ever encountered.

Our one escape this year lasted from Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon and I will be riding on the high until we can do it again.

Ready to Ride

2010-09-12T16:21:00.001-07:00

Let me try out Mom's riding boots...

Now the other one...

Yup! They FIT! Let's saddle up!

Picture Mantage...

2010-09-05T20:01:00.000-07:00

Yo.
M'car box...

One of m'cars...

Climbing on Mom...

Sittin' Tall...

Teeth and Tap Shoes

2010-09-03T07:56:00.001-07:00

We continue to be dumb-struck by how happy of a child we have. Always, he's ready with a toothy smile. Every exchange seems to bubble with chortling giggles and ecstatic squeals.

Ever helpful, he very intently watches everything we do. Things have their places and times have their deeds. He LOVES knowing what comes next and beating us to it.

Like all babies, another favourite is, without a doubt, music. The funkier the beat, the more jamin' the time. He's great with his feet, hips and arms. We're particularly bias, amazed at how well he keeps his rhythm. When it comes to ballads, the arms go up and the voice oh-so-gently croons out.

For a birthday event, Kaleb and Dad got creative. Ginormous cards with hand prints, foot prints and all manner of toddler scribbles to be cherished forever. I could have done without the massive "30" taking up centre stage, but... bygones.

!!! I cannot BELIEVE how much larger his foot print is! I mean, yah - you go through shoe sizes with the same speed a ski jumper approaches the end of the ramp, but to see the stone-hard print on that stark white paper is a real eye-opener! MAN, those little footy prints have doubled in 15 months!!

We love how big he's already grown. He's still slightly smaller than his similar-aged counter-parts, but he's more than sturdy, rustle-tustle. It is so great to wrastle and snuggle with such a sweet-smelling, giggling little monkey. It has to be my absolute favourite.

I cannot believe how much I love these days.

Another Me Post

2010-08-22T17:07:00.000-07:00

Don't know if you guys prefer or bemoan these posts, but it is my cathartic blog, after all. I have the power.

I've always been one to self-analyze to the point of nausea.

I recently had a new client find their way to my grooming salon. She was very terse over the phone, boarderline rude. I was grouching right up til she arrived, whereupon I put on my business face. I met her drama with a calm and firm lack of fluster. I was neither cowed, apologetic (I had nothing to be sorry for), nor was I bubbly. Amazingly, this diffused the storm immediately and seemed to almost relax her. Extenuating circumstances had her staying during the course of her dog's spa treatment. Conversation started out very sterile and polite but quickly progressed to the meat and potatoes. She'd battled and won not one but FOUR rounds with cancer. While I may not agree with her coping style, I could certainly understand it. Before my very eyes, as I related our own experience in my very matter-of-fact, what is just simply IS style, she melted into the friendliest little puddle.

This entirely new experience in customer relations has shone the light on my own encounters with people. I could clearly see that it was my lack of emotional reaction that helped her to unwind and find a stronger support. For myself anyway, all those flowery words of sympathy and pity puts me more on guard... as though such a cloud of fluff would drop me like a stone should I try to stand or lean on it. I myself used to vomit such an effusion upon hearing of someone's own great trial and tragedy, all the while edging away and subconsciensly hoping it wouldn't trigger some mystical karmic force of contagiousness. How awful to admit that about one's self, to discover that about one's self. Upon reflection, I was always ashamed of this response, even as I slinked away. I now realise what all The Initiated realise; to expend that much energy on emotional displays is to compromise the conquering of that mountain set before you. You are quickly stream-lined into a more efficient processing machine or you fail. Similarly, if you're obligated to drag someone wailing and flailing up over that mountain, you're going to fail. Much better to have an equal partner who knows how to boost as well as how to bounce off your boost.

I find myself relieved to be able to now offer an "I hear ya, Sister." I've faced a level of fear I didn't know I could feel, much less overcome. I am STRONG ENOUGH. Strong enough to do it again. Strong enough to stand with those who may need me in any capacity through their own journey.

I am battle-ready BUT I am also softened, so as to enjoy what pleasures and joys are before me now. More than ever, I appreciate the importance of cherishing of what is precious and good RIGHT NOW. We have so so much to be grateful for.

Children's Wish Ride

2010-08-22T10:54:00.000-07:00

Well, the dinner, anyway. That's all the little man had stamina for.

We haven't yet had the pleasure to bring our horses to this event, but we were excited to bring Kaleb this year. He loved seeing all the horses, rocking out to the live music and making his rounds through the crowd. We're pretty sure there does not remain a cooler uninspected, nor a lawn chair untested. He made the amazing discovery of how speakers vibrate with their own beat and helped us select a few prizes in the silent auction. The lovely ladies doing the face painting were a big hit with him, too. And of course, we cannot forget the delectable eats! It was such a wonderful evening!

The First HAIR CUT

2010-08-07T14:17:00.000-07:00

Something seems fishy about this place...

What are we doing? What's going on?

Definitely don't like this!!!

All Done!

Hamin Around The House

2010-08-03T19:06:00.000-07:00

Just some updating photos, so y'all don't lose track of what the hairy little beast looks like...
We have our first haircut scheduled for Friday (eek!).

How can anyone not appreciate the imp in these shots? He is SO much fun!

Peeling Away the Layers

2010-07-28T17:25:00.000-07:00

The light bulb sputtered and blinked on during some girl-talk last night. I’ve been really bothered by my lack of feeling toward my own animals, lately. I still appreciate them but I just can’t seem to feel warm about them anymore, as though I'm somehow detached. And I finally figured out exactly why I needed to cycle out the paint gelding I’ve been enjoying for the last 3 years for something less needy.

This entire life event we have sustained exercised the limitations of my emotional self. I reached and returned from depths I never knew I could visit, let alone survive. In a way, it adjusted my prioritising of everything in my life. While I hang on to every successful day forward with an impossibly open heart and just try to relax and soak everything in, I’m sure that no matter how far we get with the little man, I will always have a monkey on my back.

The specialists tell us to expect cancer to return, that it is our new reality. Thing is, the little champion hasn’t actually fit into any box they try to stuff him into. Patrick refuses to even entertain the idea, like a good parent. While I certainly cling to the hope that he'll defy another of their gloomy expectations like a de-clawed cat falling out of a tree, I can’t stop my subconscious from keeping the glove pumped and ready. I think this is exactly why I can’t drum up the warm fuzzies for simple things. I actually resent anything that vacuums what little energy I have left, as though I’m scurrying to recharge before another hit and anything that inhibits that effort is detrimental to my very existence.

My animal time is my therapy. With the paint horse, a rider needs to be 110% engaged in mind as well as body, which can be a wonderfully fun way to ride when you have the luxury of enough stored emotion. For now, I need a horse that I can just turn everything off with and chill. I can appreciate and trickle what precious little I have left into a being like this with no pressure at all.

I have gratitude for all that gives me space, for all that nurtures peace.

Some Beach

2010-07-25T19:09:00.000-07:00

We had a fantastic time at our local pond today! I’m still kicking myself for forgetting the camera.

I barely got the first towel laid out in a shady spot before Kaleb demonstrated that he knew just what to do with that! The little man stretched right out for a minute of solid relaxation like he’d done it a dozen times before. He wasn’t initially too keen on the cool temps of the bright blue water (no doubt colour compliments of a healthy combo of our quarry-based locale and some good ol’ chlorine) but warmed up to the idea with a few games of peek-a-boo.

We spent quite a bit of time lounging on our towels, people watching over some berries and crackers. Oh, and some more flat-out relaxing. He also enjoyed moving some sand and managed to coerce someone out of a red ball.

Note to parents: don’t go to a place filled with sand and water with your child and NOT BRING A TOY.

Pucker Up

2010-07-17T06:56:00.000-07:00

Our latest thing is giving kisses. Got my first one this morning. Dad has been bestowed two, all have been on our knees. Not sure what the correlation is, but we'll gladly take it. He's been hugging on request for some time, now. Nothing better than an affectionate baby!

He's fearless around the horses - scarily so. Thank goodness all are kind hearted, even if slightly apprehensive. We're filling our pasture up with boarders to maximise our property. We decided that 12 acres for only our two horses was a luxury we couldn't afford just now. We've been enjoying the extra activity and everyone has been respectful so far. I'm the first one to say horse people can be a little nutty at times.

Our daycare provider has recently had her baby (congratulations, Bryanna!). We've been enjoying having the little man home again 24/7. We will enjoy taking him back to her even more come September. He just loves going there and we appreciate the opportunity to scrape toddler grunge off the floors, windows, walls and doors in the house. Seems rather frivolous to chase after him with a washcloth while he's here, especially when every ounce of energy is required to simply keep up with him. Never do you have the luxury of being a step ahead, either.

Delightful little monster.

Picture Time!

2010-07-03T18:01:00.000-07:00

This is my Mum, sleeping.

Should I wake her up?

Maybe a stinky foot will do the job!

Maybe some jostlin' and hollerin'...

When all else fails, a HUG will do it!

Me Post - Please Forgive the Indulgence

2010-06-29T18:41:00.000-07:00

Normally I find peace at this time of night. The little man is sound asleep in his crib, work has wrapped up and everything is calm outside my window. But as I gaze up through low, robust clouds at a brilliant, winking blue canvas beyond, I struggle to settle a maelstrom within.

I worry that I will never find my happy niche, my footing in this new life. My son is healthy and I am humbly grateful for this fact. And yet every day I continue to feel the weight of ever-present awareness of those who still struggle and freshly stumble with similar setbacks. I feel a deep anger build at every new attack of the Big C on friends and family. I ache, watching others now wade through what is too freshly behind us.

Beyond that, I feel constant anxiety about succeeding on a professional level, for both my husband and myself. The reality of starting a new business and re-starting one that never did reach full-gear is daunting. Throughout my life, I’ve always treated my finances as though they were in a precarious state, but until now I had no idea what that truly meant.

I’ve always felt good about starting out with hand-me-downs, bare basics and meagre goodies. Almost as though we were building a good, honest life on a solid foundation. As though it would somehow last longer if we built with our own hard work.

This new stage of our lives, even just the recovery of our previous momentum, is brutally humbling. It is interesting to me how during a time when we’re scrambling to pay basic bills, the pull for the finer things has tripled in strength. I know the day will come when we no longer have to grind the last drop out of every penny, but hanging in there for the realisation is going to be a true test of fortitude.

Good thing I’m one stubborn egg.

A Few of My Favourite Things

2010-06-24T11:47:00.000-07:00

Toddler conversation has to be the top thing. I absolutely LOVE having him very earnestly look me in the eye and tell me some baby whopper. He'll even often enjoy his own joke with a good, hearty laugh at the end of his story. He'll also laugh and talk with his friends on the other end of his shoe-phone, or remote control-phone or even the ever-clever perogie-phone (or noodle, or blue berry).

And of course, I can't resist the words he has mastered. His favourite is "All-done". Beit the end of dinner time, the end of wiping the face, or the end to a very short nap, the phrase is coming in very handy.

We are tackling a tooth/sinus issue this week that is disrupting everyone's sleep, of course. And the mosquito bites are looking more and more like chicken pox - on only his face and hands (the bits not covered by his pj's. He's bearing it all in relatively good temper, though.

He is most precious.

Another Beautiful Day!

2010-06-14T18:34:00.000-07:00

Sunday dawned bright and unrecognisable once again after 6 days of gloom and soak. Two in a row!!

The little man woke up as sunny as the day, full of cheerful play. His fashion choices for the morning were top of the line. A long-sleeved diaper shirt, his favourite hat and of course, his shoes.

We did some fishin...

Some toy assemblin...

And some camera muggin...

After a quick morning nap, we hit the road. The picnic spot was nestled under a lush canopy of mature trees with tons of structures geared toward toddler+ play. All of Kaleb's 2nd cousins made an appearances - there were babies everywhere! Unfortunately, I was so busy chasing ONE toddler around willy-nilly that I didn't have much opportunity for photo ops. Here is what I did manage:

THANK YOU BBQ!

2010-06-07T17:32:00.000-07:00

The weather was just fantastic!!

We had a turn-out of 50+ people and of course, 'pony' rides on Big Bill were a huge hit - with the kiddies and even with a few adults.

Thank you so much to everyone who came out and certainly we were sorry that so many who've helped us could not make it! We're always happy to have people pop in for a visit, so don't be shy!

Shirtless Men

2010-05-31T19:44:00.000-07:00

Made you look!

The Little Man is growing into a quite a loving, playful little dude. He's practicing his laugh. He'll often seek us out for a hug or a good tickle-wrastle. His vocabulary is expanding to a lot of "gurglegurlgegurlge"s and tongue flapping... literally. He loves to sing along and dance to any tune. He enjoys all the different dogs that come through his home and he's just dying to get up close and cuddly with the horses.

Speaking of the beasts, I've had to make the difficult decision to transition myself from my fun-loving paint horse to something a little more child-friendly. Patrick's older horse is mellow enough for a rowdy toddler but mine just isn't comfortable with the sporadic energy of youthful tiny people. Rather than tempt fate with higher-than-necessary odds, I've vowed to try and find Scotch some young person who wants to devote their lives to all things horsey... there's tones of us 14 year-old versions out there and he has a lot to give. Or maybe a gentle retire-ee who wants to spend sunsets on the trail... He'd be a good match for anyone wanting a puppy-dog buddy.

I find the morphing of priorities and life goals to be a touch unsettling, almost as though I'm having difficulty placing my thumb on exactly the dimensions I want to eek out next. I envy my younger self her black & white perspectives... things were much easier when I only had to think about myself... but life sure is sweeter, now. Wouldn't trade anything about my life for the world.

Thankful for Another Mother's Day

2010-05-12T19:24:00.000-07:00

My second Mother's Day was pretty spectacular. We spent a very low-key morning together, going for a wagon ride and just soaking in the beautiful day. I was able to catch a nice nap, play with my horse and was treated to a FABULOUS movie, followed up with a home-cooked BBQ. Doesn't get much better than that!

Stylin' in his new shades:

His current favourite toy(yes I mean the box, though the hat is a close second):

Where's Your Tummy? (He even pushes it out for better effect.)

Better than a Lazy-Boy!

And just for giggles, a mother's day ride:

Every time I open the internet my homepage is this blog. I would like to write more often, but find myself in too much of a fog. I stumble through my days, booking enjoyable things like work, horse time, friend time, etc. Yet I still find myself struggling to FEEL my days... Little indicators of stress are popping up on my physical self like psoriasis, which I haven't seen since I left my prior ill-fitting career. I step over house clutter that would never have even been allowed a foothold. Craziest yet - I allow the poor hubby to do things that I would NOT have let out of my specific hands-on control. He's certainly messing up laundry out of desperation and I can't be bothered to care. This is going to be the year of over-hauling my health. I AM going to re-establish the sharp clarity my type-A self thrives on. I AM going to wake up...

What Did You Do On Thursday?

2010-04-24T09:55:00.001-07:00

Kaleb first tried to sit in a bucket,

Then he went to visit a friend out by the truck.

After which he went to schmooze the horses,

Then he thought long & hard about washing his car...

And decided it was best to just sit and chew the fat.

And THEN!! We all knew it was going to happen...

Dad came home with the Radio Flyer. And so began piecing it together with Dad's assistance:

Kaleb tried to be patient while Dad fiddled and fussed:

Finally, after two tantrums and some supper, it was ready for it's maiden voyage:

A Month Early..?

2010-04-20T16:57:00.000-07:00

I can feel everyone holding their collective breaths as we soak in one beautiful day after another. This morning was spent roto-tilling gardens before work started. Our horses are shedding out like they got stuck in mink coats on some Florida beach during the middle of July.

I'm still bowled over with the "we made this" sensation when I hold my sleeping son, or watch him and dad ripping around the house. He's discovered sand... loves the taste. Good thing we have an entire riding arena full of the stuff. The greatest thing in the world is waking up to his smile and peal of laughter. He loves to show everyone his tummy.

Professionally, Patrick has entered the Stonewall Business Showcase for the end of the month. Had a test run at a large local tack/yard sale and the displays worked well for him, he felt great about talking 'shop' with people. His table was like some kind of oasis for all the men dragged along by their horsey women. Lots of grunting, beard scratching and boot kickin. It's good to see him excited about his work and to know that he loves what he does. I know all too well the frustration of a wrong fit and want him to be as happy in his work as I am in mine. We're both feeling pretty good about what's on our horizon.

Already Driving Like His Mama...

2010-04-05T21:00:00.000-07:00

Outside Adventures

2010-04-02T18:56:00.000-07:00

Three Lives One Roof

2010-03-26T20:27:00.000-07:00

It amazes me that once the first day of daycare was behind us, I so eagerly anticipate the next. At two days a week, fast approaching three, he has his own entire social life. I'm amazed at how he just waltzes right in with a backward wave, then happily greets us when we come to retrieve him. His cheerful, playful mood continues the rest of the evening at home. There was talk of one of the two girls his age bullying him a tad, but he sure jumped back with his own gusto. I'm confident they'll be good friends and that he'll be sweet to the shier one. It really is interesting to watch them figure out how to play together all on their own level.

I feel some guilt at pushing him toward solo pursuits so early. While I can certainly appreciate that my employed counterparts would have been doing the same, I still feel like we've hardly had any time with him, ourselves. And then of course the selfish side of me is doing a little jig at some stolen 'me' time here & there.

Business is really picking up. It is relieving and exhausting at the same time. I have to teach my body to work again! I'm really enjoying the diversity and challenges of my days. We put up a new highway sign near our closest town today. I'm pretty excited about how well it turned out and am looking forward to filling the remaining holes in my clientele roster.

Patrick's season is starting to heat up, even with road restrictions applied early. The hope is that they will be lifted early, as well! He's been working hard to network with his industry peers and it's paying off.

His First Cold

2010-03-21T19:40:00.000-07:00

We may be set for a tricky night. The little man has phlem. It certainly is trying at this age, when expectorants you're used to running to for yourself are not yet an option. I was a little dismayed to learn most cold meds are restricted to children 6 years and older. I will also admit to being sort of relieved, if you won't tell my hubby. For myself, I like trying to tough it out a bit before going for the heavy hitters. I believe in trial by fire, so to speak. Maybe I'm crazy, but I'm thinking these first six years may be difficult, but may also set him up better to cope. Then again, it is difficult to watch him struggle.

On a more charming note, he has discovered the confidence to venture into his new ball pit, a week after opening the birthday gift from his Pepere. And now he won't come out. Peek-a-boo takes on an entirely new shine when there's windows to hide behind! We throw the balls out. We throw the balls in. We throw the balls at the dogs. It's all just fantastic fun.

Get a load of that hopper! Uncle Shane has a run for his money!

Belated Birthday Post

2010-03-15T20:10:00.000-07:00

Feelin' guuud at 1 YEAR OLD!!!

All a boy wants to do on his day is ride a good pony.

The Party Masterpiece.

Mmmmm..... Caaaaaake.....

I don't know. Maybe you should get it.

The official day, Wednesday was nice and low-key. Breakfast with the great-grandparents, dinner with the grandparents and Uncle Charlie. Lots of great presents - toys, toys and toys. We had to roll over the bin, collecting some good out-grown stuff for an up & coming "cousin".

The big party was on Saturday. Lots of cousins to play with, lots of good chaos. It was interesting to note that the big man kept checking to see if one or both of his parents was in the group, and to watch him naturally gravitate toward us from time to time. We've never had him in a larger group of kids and people before. He did quite well and REALLY enjoyed eating with everyone (of course)!

Comin' up on 1 year.

2010-03-06T15:23:00.001-08:00

Already! Wednesday will be one year since we first/finally saw his sweet face. I feel slightly guilty that his big day will be my landmark of an entire year since the craziest event of my life. I suspect (hope) that eventually the reactive shallow breathing and cold sweat will fade and all that will be left is "Kaleb's Birthday". As it is, even the smell of the brand of wipes we used that first month is enough to stop the air dead in my lungs.

The whirlwind of his arrival was something that completely knocked me on my ass and left me scrambling to find my SELF again. Now, having finally attained some measure of who I used to be and who I'm supposed to be today, I'm not exactly eager to revisit the floundering insecurity of this last year. I love our lives once again, where there were more moments than not that I honestly wondered if I ever could again - never once because of our precious little man, but rather because of the monster that threatened him. I'm so grateful that our life with him is just begining, rather than already ending.

Our new lives are spectacular and I am finally again looking forward to the path we will travel, as a solid and sound unit.

Picture Post!

2010-03-06T15:15:00.000-08:00

Showing off his new 'hopper' (belly)...

His favourite drawer in the kitchen... no pots? no problem!

Bath time! Note how he just loathes it.

Head Remains Firmly In Sand

2010-03-02T20:22:00.000-08:00

Every new stage he reaches, I'm sure it's GOT to be the most fun one yet. He's such a large individual in a gorgeous little package. He loves broccoli. It's taken me almost 30 years to enjoy it in any form. Loves raisins, too. I'm glad he seems to be developing his father's broader palette.

We're all eating healthier and being more active. I feel my phsycial strength growing, shoring up my fractured emotional strength, slowly, hopefully. I'm finding it difficult to bring the pendulum back to a state of reasonable. I suppose it will take some time. The busy little dude in the back of my short-circuiting brain is always considering counciling to teach me some good skills for this dilema. The machismo side of me just wants to plug on, building my business, filling the empty hours with quality horse time and stocking up on all this awesome family time.

I refuse to allow any doubts about Kaleb's future health invade my waking conscience, blocking out the possibilities like the most stubborn Warner Bros. Road Runner. Certainly, I feel like I have sand in and between my ears most days.

I'm actually SO excited about my horse season this year. I'm determined to take back something that once consumed so much of my life, that made me so whole. I've taken a 3-year hiatus and am ready to own it again.

I truly hope Kaleb comes to love our horse life. He was quite excited to see Daddy on the 'big puppy' today. We won't push it on him, but I'm barely containing myself at the prospect of having an eager little pardner!

little feet

2010-02-26T09:32:00.000-08:00

We rarely see him crawl anymore. His hair is coming in nicely - still too short to be curly. We can never seem to top him off. Just an insatiable appetite for any food we pesent to him, though he does prefer gravy and sauces.

We continue to meet amazing people, thanks to 'the colossal detour of our lives'. So many stories of struggle and perseverance out there, even when things don't turn out as you hope. I continue to be humbled by such strength and bravery.

The quest for Kaleb's care while we work has begun. We don't want to be in a bind once things get rolling and anticipated a long process in finding someone. We've tried a few places to see if we could find a good fit for us and them. It's difficult to think of letting him go even for a couple of days a week when the feeling of just getting him back, all to ourselves, is still so fresh. We're really getting spoiled, being with him through each precious discovery and development. I flop back and forth on whether or not we're (I'm) ready.

Horsey Healing

2010-02-20T13:40:00.000-08:00

Don't let the photos fool you... He may spend a large part of his days consuming Daddy's yummy casseroles, chewing on a good leather shoe and doting on the dogs, but this kid has entirely 'nother side...

His latest favourite trick has become the "throw down, roll around on the ground" trantrum. Wasn't this kind of thing supposed to wait until his second birthday?? Yet at 11 months, he's mastered it. I'm almost afraid to take the little beastie out!

He's also RUNNING. He has yet to figure out how to stand without a landmark, but the monster runs to you or FROM you.

He's coming to understand things that are off limits, such as the cupboard containing the lizard food and the stairs, though we have finally installed a gate there.

We are finding reprieve from slow and worrying business growth in our equine pardners. It would seem that my young, spaztic horse has finally started to mature, in this his 8th year of life. I can finally see some serious riding on our horizon, almost as good as 'the old days'. I'm very excited about how far he's come, about my readiness and about spring fast approaching!!!

Soaring Hearts

2010-02-14T09:13:00.000-08:00

I barely can express what this tiny person does to me every single day. To simply sit and watch him grow and develop into his own little self is so awe-inspiring and comforting both at once. I guess all mothers go through this at some point and I'm just soaking it all up.

Something as simple as picking his favourite foods out of his chopped-up medly on the tray just has my heart filling my entire chest. I took him to the grocery store for the first time yesterday and to see him gleefully sitting in the cart, wonderously peering around, gripping the handle bar in one hand and the list in the other... it was all I could do not to dance in the aisles. Of course, he's a total flirt with the cashier, just like his dad.

The simplest things are my sweetest joy.

Forward Motion

2010-02-10T15:01:00.000-08:00

The little man is defying the assistance of walls and furniture to move about, now. He's quite proud of himself and does very well when he's not thinking about it. The second you encourage him, he gets so excited he sabotages himself.

Working has been just an awesome experience. I left my corperate gig two years ago and only this month am I able to finally feel the wholesome healing that working for myself provides. I'm finally full-time (pregnancy got in the way last year)! The desk job got me places, absolutely. But internally it was a constant struggle for me. I just couldn't be happy sitting on my posterior for 10+ hours every day, including the commute. The peace of my own busy schedule, the constant immersion of my snuggly home environment, fantastic people and great pets just make my days blissful! Of course, knowing that I'm finally working toward making our home financially viable again is huge. Raised by a banker, the household ticker is constantly rolling through my brain.

I'm feeling the urge to get back into my equine pursuits. It's my favourite chocolate (besides chocolate, itself). I've played with my horse with some ground work this week. For the non-horsey peeps, respect on the ground is good starting point. My last horse was a working partner with no emotional interests in me. This horse is one big wacky ball of emotion. Loads of fun to play with and such a buoy, at any given time!

M'dog's wacky, too... hmmm. I often consider some phrase I've heard of animals reflecting their owners...

Peach

2010-02-06T14:11:00.000-08:00

Fuzz!!!!!!!

Even as he tries to help me type this post, I can see soft, brown fuzz on his head.

It was NOT there yesterday.

Yay!!!

His First Big Boy Bath

2010-02-04T14:07:00.000-08:00

...since that last bath, where the whole nightmare began. (You can see his two top chicklets in this pic.)

A very different atmosphere today! Excitement warred with irrational fear as I worked to keep my heart inside my chest.

He's making serious progress with his walking, taking 8 to 10 steps to reach us. Of course every step is a major celebration.

I've been avoiding posting for some time. My conflict lies not only in my professional PR, but also in that, finally crawling out from under this heavy cloud, I don't want to look too closely at why we're not 110%.

I hope those well-intentioned don't take my following self-observation to heart, as it's merely a detatched examination. In all of my nervousness and excitement at re-opening my business, I forgot to prepare for the inevitable questions. They hit me like a burlap sack of bricks on Day 1. While I appreciate the concern and interest, I cannot help but wonder how long it will take to shrug the association. I'd just begun to not think of our family as 'special', to feel light and free. We'd slowly started bringing him out to places where people didn't know of his illness and saw him only as a tyical baby. Those sincere questions slowly began to cloak me down again, closing off my oxygen. I've got to figure out how to equip myself to better handle this.

The correct answer always is that everything is fantastic. In truth, our struggle continues, in some ways more hurtful because we feel we should be dancing on the rooftops. After living as two separate team mates for so long, tossing us two cats into the hamster ball together has been a ride. We have yet to fully retract our claws from battle and the flare ups are instant and brilliant. Add to that the pressure of getting our fiscal ball rolling, and it's like walking through waist-deep sludge, swinging big, beefy mallets at each other. We're working hard to get our lines of communication back up, to re-learn the dance that once came so easily to us.

We're almost there... I can almost taste how beautiful it was and could be again.

Un Plugged

2010-01-29T09:37:00.000-08:00

He had his last surgery on Wednesday, to remove his hardware. What should have taken 20 minutes took 90. His little superhero body grafted pretty strongly to the tubes in his chest. They had to take it out in pieces.

Of course, yet again I was far more bothered by the entire epidsode than he was. It really is often a relief, having this full-out boy. Nothing seems to phase him or slow him down. I know I'm going to really come to rethink this perspective, but for now... it works.

Picture Post!

2010-01-23T20:44:00.000-08:00

Camera Ham...

Going for the Forbidden Cord...

The Ridiculous Snow Suit!

Up and Down

2010-01-21T14:23:00.000-08:00

Mostly, the hours sing by every day. He's an entirely new child, removed from the stress and boredom of hospital life. He explores the entire house in great detail whenever he's not stuffing his little face with exciting new foods. He's almost always in a fantastic mood.

I'm experiencing various emotions hourly. I wrap his happy little self around me as much as possible. Once in a while I feel sadness for those who aren't as lucky as us creep into my bubble. It seems that just as quickly as we were dumped into the middle of this vast community borne of necessity, we breezed right out. Faces of children and parents we've come to know haunt me. This is yet another example of when superpowers would come in really handy.

I'm excited to get my business rolling again and fearful that my first real chance at lighting it up full time might flop. I've tried twice before to go full time, but road blocks spelling out K-A-L-E-B have shut me down. I don't have any hard feelings about that, rather I'm simply trying to soak in the wholesome goodness that is him. I don't want to become so busy that I miss out on things. The worst thing for me would be for my head to become so wrapped up in work that I can't see this precious gift that is my family right in front of me. A very wonderful soul already taught me the joy of appreciating every moment in its singular entirety and I don't want to lose that lesson to ambition again.

It's almost an out-of-body experience, being home and finished. We still have a few appointments and minor surgeries. There's a strong sense of inertia, like a canon has shot us out into open air and we need to learn how to use our wings all over again. We're really enjoying settling new patterns and are so happy that we're not where we were professionally before this all started. The tingling fears of taking risks are settled with gut feelings of assuredness that this is our correct path. We love being entrepreneurs, are organised and conservative with our lifestyle and already feel healthier without the career stressors of past days.

Double Post Day

2010-01-17T14:08:00.000-08:00

WE'RE HOME!!!!

His first stop...

His second...

Showin' off...

Finally some photos!

2010-01-17T06:59:00.000-08:00

And still we wait to be discharged. Won't happen until his counts recover and they're taking their time. Meanwhile, we're threatened with antibiotics at every teething temperature fluctuation. The state of his posterior has us holding them back with sticks. Three days of IV means not 20 minutes between soaking diapers, which is NOT conducive to healing raw skin.

He's slowly pulling through this latest teething round. Still many happy moments for the impossibly wonderful little man.

Is It Just Me?

2010-01-13T19:39:00.000-08:00

I cling desperately to the evidence of longer daylight hours. It's somehow so exciting, the prospect of more time under the sun. This year, it almost seems to announce our impending freedom.

It's just so oppressively 'Hibernate', the early darkness mixed with breath-stealing cold. You know the cold... it freezes your nosehairs together within seconds of emerging from the violent cloud of heat as you and it pours out of your house. Gahg. Everything you touch seems to scream of fear that it's going to break - your car, the screen door, even your boots protest with loud squeaks across hard-packed snow.

By why on earth am I contemplating such things on an unseasonally warm day. Even while I revel in the rare luxury of breathing in warm moist air tonight, I know the truth. It'll be one slick guantlet on the roads in the morning!

We've had more teething setbacks and the alarm bells went off when he spiked a little teething fever. "Better safe than sorry". They need a parrot on the floor. This round with the teeth has incited more abrupt and discouraging results. I had to laugh at myself as I thought of how a severe diaper rash is often a parents' first object of helplessness and heartbreak. It took me a minute to remember that it wasn't our first. That is the gift of time, I suppose. Already, it dulls and rounds the acute points of trials endured, helps to (almost) forget and march on to the next mountain.

I have a personal goal that I hope to master in the coming year. If I cannot do it in that time, I fear an undesireable pattern will be set. I want to make an effort not to "wear" this event of my family's. You know the people who cling to tragedies through their lives, brandishing them about as though they were a physical shield that allowed them a pass. I'm not naturally the loud martyr-type, but alone in my room, so to speak, I really feel the deepness of this particular hit to my whole. Even as we are a success, and even as I appreciate how many people don't get to keep their babies, even as I appreciate how much harder others have to fight, I mourn all that he's already been through. I feel it is a selfish indulgence but I cannot help it.

It's almost over.

Busy Times.

2010-01-09T18:56:00.000-08:00

There's a lot going on right now. We're busting our humps to wrap up the million tiny touches of my shop before business really gets rolling. We're accommodating a couple of dogs already for boarding, but the grooming won't start until February. I'm really jazzed to start working again and am happily tweaking my space to suit me better. Patrick has been phenomenal help with all the hard stuff. I'm going to have to clean up after these boarders and do a photoshoot for my website to update the pics.

Keeping my brain and body occupied is helping to distract me from my impatience. We're RIGHT THERE. We're at the end, only his counts are still dropping. Not until they show a steady upswing will they release us. He's had two infusions of blood and platelets this time. Evidence that his little body is losing ground to the toxic meds, needing more and more help to recover. I'm SO relieved that there is no more to put him through. I can't wait to welcome him home for the last time, to be an intact family unit again.

The Little Man himself is teething again. Tooth #5 has broken through and I suspect there's a couple more chasing it. He spends his days this week snuggling and dozing. We're looking forward to him getting past this and back to his cheerful, exhausting self.

He is the best thing to ever happen to us.

He Continues to Shine his Light When it's Needed Most.

2010-01-03T17:43:00.000-08:00

Developmentally, he's a MONSTER.

Into everyone and everything, he stands alone for almost a full minute at a time and drags items larger than himself along while he cruises. Given something to hold on to, he's FAST on those little feet. His little arms are constantly fishing between the bars to claim anything within reach. He knows how to stand on things to climb higher in the crib and enjoys making his own rhythm by banging things together. His musical tastes continue to vary - into some hard core rap today. Great.

Just the other day he launched himself right past me out of the crib, which is as high as my waist. I caught him in the air, his head a foot from the cement floor and his toes pointing to the sky. !!!Whaaaa?!!!

I think we're really in for it.

Thank You For Having Me.

2010-01-02T11:01:00.000-08:00

I've never meant it so much.

My heart breaks for a friend struggling with a heavy loss. Her friend, her sister, her mother. It's a struggle she should not have to bear at this time. I wish that I could help her avoid it altogether.

The air in my lungs weighs me down at the loud omission of a once vibrant and cheerful life.

Even knowing it's coming and looking forward to the completion of a long and exhausting battle, the reality of the void still knocks everything right out of your being.

She was so brave - laughing even, during her last day.
Her name means Resolute Protector.
How apt.

I still struggle to wrap my head around the fact that all that was Wilma, all that was contained in that beautiful person, is gone.

Where ever you are girl, I know that you're flying and I wish you the very best.

Last Go, Largest Mountain..?

2009-12-28T18:59:00.001-08:00

Logic clearly illustrates that the hardest part is behind us, but for some insane reason it really feels impossible to take ourselves back in. To know that the illness is no longer present, but that the typical stats - which really haven't fit our mold yet, scream that this monster will invade faster, harder and smarter if we stop treatment too soon... it's a two-sided coin that constantly erodes delicate budding confidence in any of our blind decisions.

The evil monkey dancing around in the back of my brain, pulling out wires and plugging them back in willy-nilly, taunts me with fears that the last few days of chemo will have some horrible effect on my son's long-term health. He has seemed so unflappable to this point, almost too good to be true. I find myself holding my breath at every twitch or nod, searching for a clue.

I am so exhausted.
Ineffective.
Small.
I want to get off the ride, now.

And yet, others do this gauntlet and far worse ones for years.
I am Feckless.

Christmas or Wednesday?

2009-12-23T19:04:00.000-08:00

I can think back to prior christmas seasons and remember trying to jar the magic of the season. There is something about it that cannot be duplicated nor adequately expressed. I find my feelers passing through open air this year which, in light of how birthdays hardly caused a ripple as they breezed by, I expected. I have no real saddness over the omission, but more of an impartial acceptance. These landmarks are for the next generation, after all - right? I do find myself delighted by the little sleigh Patrick found for Kaleb.

Snapped more shots of the monster:

And at the response of some interest, a sneek-peek at the business renos:

Happy Holidays Everyone!

I dream of paint.

2009-12-17T21:22:00.001-08:00

...on account of how much of it I've been doing. What's it been? A month since I started? Blech. Another couple of hours at it and I'll be finished for good. I do not recommend spreading such a project over a long period of time. On the plus side, I do think my posterior is slightly more pert from all that up & down on the ladder... ;o)

We've been delegated to home line care due to Kaleb's remaining little lumen clotting faster than they can get the magic juice in on their regular schedule. I kind of like playing nurse - feel pretty comfortable with it, after watching and assisting for the last five months.

I can hardly believe there's only one more round to go. The weight of impending massive relief pins my emotions down quite tidily, which appeals to my sense of order. I know I'll have my complete crumble at some point and every once in a while I feel those unruly sentiments threatening my productivity. I stare at something so wholly "healthy child" of Kaleb's like some silly toy and the cracks pop and hiss across my thin veneer. As the end dances its little strip tease before us, my white-knuckle grip finds less and less purchase. I just hope I can have my little moment, pull everything together and truck on without too much nonsense.

I often think of the many loved ones with their own mountains set before them. Like my own personal news-ticker, the constant reel through my mind holds a solid perspective before me. You each know who you are. We love you and TeamEmms is chearing you all on.

A couple of recent photo ops:

2009-12-13T18:18:00.000-08:00

Big Man Standing

2009-12-12T12:20:00.000-08:00

He pulled his first attempt at standing not 10 minutes ago. Perhaps consignment to the play pen corral has necessitated ventures into new activities. Little turkey was talking right at us when he let go that second hand and tottered from toe to heel for a good 20 seconds before TIMBERing down onto his posterior and erupting into a fit of giggles. We, of course, exploded with applause and "atta boy!"s.

His development seems to be advancing at mach 10 these days. He's already caught his fingers in a kitchen cupboard door and climbed over the impervious Short Lab. The Boxer continues to evade his advances - the first wise thing that big dummy has figured out.

Hope everyone's having as great a weekend as we are!

Kaleb's Co-horts:

Happy Home

2009-12-08T16:06:00.000-08:00

The simple fact that I can observe a sticky, chubby hand reaching for my husband's lightly bristled face brings tears very close to the surface. The sun back lights the cozy elements of our living room. The riot of colour overflowing the toy bin, the little red barn, the warm green walls and even the cheap pile area rug all offer soft textures of life that elude the hard hospital environment. The frost crowds the windows and crunches underfoot on the deck. I can feel the crisply frayed edges of my stress and anxiety melting beneath the warmth of my family's peaceful actions. I've been plowing through this term of treatment with blinders on in an effort to just get through it. Our sudden release yesterday triggered an automatic opening of doors that I was not prepared for. The instant contrast blind-sides me with an almost painful, sweet relief.

Kaleb seems to be holding his good cheer - moon/tooth crisis over!! He continues to increase his daily intake of solids as well as formula. I think we're in another growth spurt - we can't seem to keep the little turd topped off! He slipped in to the home routine without a hitch, remembering his last visit here, for a change. His exploring is at an all-time high, to such a degree that we've had to resort to the play pen. We simply can't keep up! Forget a bathroom break. Our little shadow is everywhere and delicate puppy faces are the most fun thing to play with.

The progress on my shop has been hardy, if I do say so. I've got 2/3 of it painted and does it ever look like a new building! The work has been healing and forward-focusing, which is just so fortifying for the psyche. I'm really excited to open my doors with a whole new vibe and can't wait to start working again.

The light in our tunnel is blinding and I'm having a difficult time not jumping ahead. We still have the last round to get through - during the festive season, no less. I'm already trying to nail down a time line of what to expect once we sign out of the ward for the last time. I'm SO jazzed to get back to 'real' life. This nightmare detour is almost over!

Before the Possession.

2009-12-03T11:58:00.001-08:00

A Week From the Depths of....

2009-12-03T11:26:00.000-08:00

So I'm a little dramatic. So is the Monster. I keep swivelling my head as fast as I can to catch the nurses rolling their eyes at us - which I never manage to actually see, as we're fretting at "normal" baby behaviour. Thing is, if it's not his normal, it's cause for concern in our minds. When brainstorming for solutions, we honestly don't CARE what other babies do. He's communicating and we're trying to listen... while not losing our hearing.

A good friend once said of Patrick that he was ornery. We loved that and well, if I don't top this primal element of his personality, I'm certainly right there beside him with my own full measure. It stands to reason then that this would then be an excellent descriptor for our son. We attribute much of his success thus far to this ah... condition.

We may be through the worst of tooth #4. I say it with caution, but this morning was his first in 6 to not wake up screaming and he maintains his good cheer through the day, unassisted by Tylenol.

Of course, this week was the most spectacular one to be gallant and pull a 24-hour shift for the sake of Poor Patrick's b-day. He was getting run down from too many fitfull nights. I've discovered the secret, though. You have to go into the shift not as though it's night time and therefore we must be sleeping. You must store your energy through the day and anticipate many disturbances. At least, that made all the difference for me. Instead of being confused and frustrated at 3 a.m., I was happily comforting and snuggling.

Various other little annoyances for our boy include a fat lip from bumping his new tooth on who-knows-what, and a few melon bruises that linger due to low blood counts. The kid has GOT to learn to put his hands out if he's going to pull tumbling routines in that crib!! He's also been put on antibiotics due to a fever. Everyone is sure it was a teething fever and it did in fact fade within an hour, but they're covering everyone's assets. If nothing else, it'll aid his body in healing those little bumps and bruises. Of course, once started, the policy is a 48-hour process, but oh well.

We're hopeful that our release comes on or just after the weekend.

Tooth #4 is on the doorstep!

2009-11-27T18:33:00.000-08:00

Now if only the sucker would come in! We've hardly noticed the arrival of the first 3, but this one is causing our poor little man some trouble.

Still, if that is the most dramatic issue to mark our days, we're thankful.

We've been busy bees, taking advantage of the amazing weather to get in some very late winterising. I think we're officially there. I've even dug out some of my old cans of paint to give the shop a face-lift. Feels really good to be productive.

I don't want to jinx us, but mention was made of possibly being home for christmas. Our cycle would have us waiting in hospital for reactions to his last round of chemo, but as his history thus far has been solid, they may allow us to recoup at home with extreme caution. I have mixed feelings about that. Of course, there will be no visiting family this year for any of us... I suppose it could be a very restful special experience. I'm also going through a reaction that I'm told many do - the abrupt absense of our safety net wants to worry at me. While I'd like to think we're level headed enough to handle things should anything happen, I know the truth. No adverse reactions yet have happened to truly test us. I've seen what can happen on the other children on the floor and the possibilities are beyond petrifying. Again, I will push that out of my mind. No sense borrowing what isn't here yet.

Circles Never Cease.

2009-11-23T18:36:00.000-08:00

This heavy, insidious monster invades every nook of our lives. How can we celebrate our own victory when friends fall all around us?! Babies who have yet to taste life, young adults with bright roads ahead of them, older souls who have earned every right to a gentle twilight. It's this ugly constant barage of pain. Good people who deserve nothing but good things. How can anyone maintain hope and joy in life? Just when you finally pull yourself together and begin to feel lightness in your heart, there is another victim.

I used to be so afraid of THE NEWS. I didn't know how to approach those dealing with the demon, how to help, how not to pry at the freak show. Like anything else, once you're plunked into this world, you see it everywhere... except that I'm ashamed to admit I've always seen it everywhere. Unlike the spanking new car clones suddenly zipping past every few minutes, I have conscious memory of turning a blind eye again and again - within my own family as well as without. When I try to examine why, I cannot help but doubt my own answer of "intent to give space to deal". I now truly understand the need for this and am relieved that my secondary motivation was sound. Yet I know instinctively that it was always the second bird. The primary target for my stone was always the selfish protection of my own heart. I am cowed with my prior lack of courage on behalf of friends and family. I can only hope that yet another silver lining of our little cloud is that I will come through stronger for those who might need me.

Wilma we love you. Thank you for sharing your eclectic grace and beautiful light with us. Team Emms is stronger for knowing you.

The Very Talented Whiteside Family!

2009-11-21T21:10:00.000-08:00

I spent a very entertaining evening at the Lion's Manor tonight.

The first twang of Caleb's fiddle whirled me back to a 19th century good ol' fashioned country fair. I could almost feet the straw bale under my butt and the straw hat on my head! For an hour and a half, three generations of the Whiteside family plied their varried talents to instruments that danced gleefully at their fingertips. I was so impressed with everyone's obvious love of what they do, from 5 year-old Hannah's 'princess' voice to Grandpa's silver tongue! How they all charmed their audience.

Yet again, generosity from all corners of our world has blown the boundaries of belief.

Thanks to everyone who has rallied behind us, we are set to come through this with very little set-back. Every effort has been sincerely felt and appreciated and we look forward to the very close day when we can turn our efforts outward. Here's to an entirely NEW year!!!

Super Spider Baby

2009-11-19T16:56:00.000-08:00

It's been what? ...three days? He's already figured out how to lower himself gently from standing. Of course, that doesn't mean he doesn't still occasionally pitch himself backward in glee. I think we've got a livewire. He also loves to rock the crib like his own personal boat. We're continuing to work on our "mamamas", "dadadas", bubububs", "uhpfs" and he's recently added clicking to his vocabulary, which fits in just perfectly with the singling lady's songs!

This round is going very smoothly so far. Vital door notes in place right off the hop: "Please no garbage pick up at 3 a.m." and it's smooth sailin'! Kaleb is handling the new chemo in his typical superhero fashion. A simple request to not have a student nurse and the door isn't opening 30 more times a day - far less disruptive when trying to put Mr. Crankypants down.

Recent Escapades

2009-11-17T19:49:00.001-08:00

Damn those are cute toes!!!

Downward Facing Dog... or has he just been watching the dogs a little too closely?

Airplane is such a fun ride!!!

And he's Off N' ...Shuffling..?

We're In.

2009-11-17T19:02:00.000-08:00

Back at it today. Bit of a bungle getting us admitted that had the little man and I floating for more than an hour, but we survived and are all snuggled in.

Kaleb is not exaclty comfortable with the sudden restriction. He's been mapping out the floor plan of our house for the last week and is now behind bars. He is, however, getting very good at shuffling laps around the perimeter of the crib, fishing along the bars and gnawing on the top rail. We've already had to Kaleb-proof anything within (his) reach outside the crib. Boredom makes him latch on to the smallest opportunity for entertainment like a leach. He's fast, direct and very sure whatever it is belongs in his hands, and subsequently, his mouth.

There has got to be something in the air, lately. On three major fronts we've had unprecendented difficulty with big so-called professional forces on putting into effect very small and every-day things. So much nonsense is causing some serious stress. Why must one be a complete a$$hole to get what should have been done in the first place, done?! And I mean, we have tried to be pleasant with all three facets for weeks.

I'm sure I can't name names without some serious repercussions, and I know what dealing with the government is like first-hand (used to work in my own branch) but it is UNREAL when a time frame of 2 weeks is given for an every-day proccess that is an agent's entire job description, and over 3 months passes with numerous phone calls to said agent and supervisors and STILL there is no result.

Never mind the monster coporation that sold us a defective brand new product and failed after numerous communications over the span of a month to remedy the issue, to the point that we had to get the parts and repair the unit ourselves. Again, we had even spoken to some corporate big-wig. ..???!

And then there's the very alien world we find ourselves submersed in on Kaleb's behalf. We are grateful for the results they are rendering with their efforts. The ways in which they come to the final answer do often leave our heads spinning. Protocols and individual tendencies of every person working on his behalf are extremely trying to our tiny lay-person brains and psyches. 99% of the staff really is spectacular, but it is truly amazing how one rude nasty apple can colour your entire world there a whole new ugly. There's absolutely NO reason or room for a professional to yell at or bully anyone on this floor (colleagues or caregivers). This entire floor's heartbeat is children in very shattering struggles and their very fragile caregivers. There also seems to be no room for value of good ol' fashion sleep to heal a body. There is disruption to Kaleb's sleep cycle that seems (from our ignorant perspective) completely avoidable, if only someone would ask us his routine before mapping out a treatment and try to incorporate things a little smoother... we could double-hit this thing from both fronts. And we're not talking a couple of hours missed, he literally misses out on half a day and half a night. That just has to be working against him. Thank goodness chemo is only 6 days this round.

Sure am thankful for the opportunity to vent. Sometimes just getting it all out helps heaps.

Have you seen my PANTS?!

2009-11-15T15:28:00.000-08:00

It's a little blurry, but certainly provides a clear picture of Kaleb's latest game. He's SO proud when discovered in this position, having wrestled the heck out of those bothersom pants and pulled himself up to call us in.

His little farm is one of his favourite toys!

It's Done!

2009-11-15T14:52:00.000-08:00

I know that's what my mastermind sister-in-law, Steph is finally saying today. I can just picutre her propped up on the sofa, with her feet elevated and a cold cloth on her head while her two little ones buzz around her... Except I know the reality to be exactly the opposite. That woman has already motored on to her next project. You're just insane, girl! And we're beyond lucky to be part of your circle.

The Teulon Social was a raging success. We are so grateful to everyone who hustled to pull it off, everyone who donated their time and skills (such as the sound crew and bartenders who volunteered their services, not to mention all the people doing everything from filling plates of munchies to ticket sales to you-name-it), and certainly we're thankful to everyone who attended! There were over 40 prizes donated by very generous friends, family and strangers-come-friends. Really, it's all impossible to wrap our heads around!

It's just amazing how something like this illuminates who really is by your side... People I never would have guessed, people who do more than I could ever keep track of, and people I didn't even know knew anything of us. The word of an ill child really does spread further than I could have ever comprehended. I know I will be working hard to effect a balance for years to come.

On a fun little side-note, my grandmother sent my mother and I a spa-package!! It was spectacular to escape reality for a few hours, not to mention being buffed and pummelled into oblivion!

We've been fortunate to have a full 14 days off between treatments this time. What a DIFFERENCE it makes! We've finally been able to completely let go of our tension and truly enjoy our time together, even to the point of enjoying some time apart - lol! I continue to take solace in simple normalcy like grocery shoppping and cleaning the fridge out. Funny how such prior nuisances can hammer one more hefty peg into the constantly billowing parachute that is my inner turmoil. I have this fervent urge to nail down every square inch of that damned slippery fabric.

More Home Shots!

2009-11-08T17:35:00.000-08:00

I actually got out for a ride today!! Thank you Tracey for calling me out. Fantastic weather and very well behaved horses. Gotta love a good horse. I was thinking of all my other horsey friends, hoping you were able to take advantage of the day!

Kaleb is progressing by leaps and bounds. He's quite hilarious with his tantrums and fits, often climbing up in his crib in order to punctuate his yelling with some serious stomping. He's mapped out the entire living room via scuttling, including the insides of some pots housing plants... so worth the look on his face when feeling clumps of dirt. We also tried yams - SO not a fan. Talk about hilarious faces! He even threw in a few shudders for good measure. He climbs on EVERYTHING. Whatever level he's reached, it doesn't hold his attention long before he spots a higher place to be. He's still wanting to taste everything but is more interested in how it feels and how it was put together. I notice toys with tiny balls that cascade inside them are catching his attention while his reflection and mine have gotten boring. It is so much fun to watch his development unfurl while here at home.

Winter Preps

2009-11-04T11:31:00.000-08:00

We're finally home. Kaleb, as before, loves the change in scenery. We had to drop his crib mattress, little monkey child. Of course, put him down on the area rug and watch him go! Reminds me of some kind of wind-up toy.

Feels good to pick away at little to-dos around the house as a team. I'm always wanting to tweak our dog fencing and I've got all the windows plastic-ked. Feels warmer in here already. We've finally found someone to hang our tricky storm door and toughen up the weather-stripping. No more North Wind in this house! I think we'll do much better with our energy bill this year, not to mention having a sounder home for Kaleb.

Some of the first activities Kaleb did once home were...

Laps around the area rug

Went for a horse ride

Watched his favourite dvd

Still Waiting...

2009-11-02T16:52:00.000-08:00

We're looking at a possible discharge tomorrow, Tuesday. My frustration is constantly overshadowing the truth, here. Kaleb isn't bouncing back as fast. The chemo was stronger this time and he had to battle a vaccine, additionally. Not ideal. For him, physically or for us, emotionally.

Did you know that you can completely dissolve a 400 page novel in the washing machine? It's true. I'm particularly regretting that moment of inattention... I was only on chapter 10. And of course, I don't go for the trendy best seller that's on every shelf. I scrounge the discount bin for the rare over-looked gem. Arhg. Maybe I'll hit the library...

Waiting is Painful

2009-10-31T17:12:00.000-07:00

There were loud whispers of us going home today, but the reality is we're either in until tomorrow or even Monday. Bummer. Patrick and I both are craving to have our trio under one roof again. It's difficult to remember that Kaleb's counts are what are holding us back. He bounces and squeals all day long yet his little internals are taking more time to recover from this harder hit of chemo.

Tis the season of student and new nurses. Another painful though necessary occurrence. It was difficult enough to establish a cohesive rhythm with the solid regulars - I definitely don't envy their positions of having to learn every family's "isms" and balance them like court jesters. Most of them are very skilled at keeping things smooth but now that we're all on the same page, a whole new crew of nervous learners are fumbling about. They're so caught up in getting it "right" that they've lost their common sense, it seems. I appreciate the awkward newness of their situations, but not the disruption of our man's precarious sleep schedule. He needs to sleep to heal, after all - and to maintain his charming disposition, for that matter! It was the same when I had him, except I was the practice pig and had the bruises to prove it. I suppose it's just a necessary step to creating good nurses and without the good ones, the entire process would be way beyond a nightmare!!

Photo Post!

2009-10-29T18:23:00.001-07:00

From sleeping to this in 0.2 seconds...

One of his favourite things... the daily "boat ride" on the weigh scale...

Peek-a-boo is an awesome game...

He is SO the man in the big-boy chair...

His vehicle of choice. We tied a strap on it and do laps around the ward almost hourly...

I'm back.

2009-10-27T20:11:00.001-07:00

Thanks for all the encouraging posts and words. And thanks just as much for all the silence, lmao! It's not pretty when you lose your lid and sometimes it's just nice to pretend it's still there until it returns. I've got to say, after my little public purge I slept like a rock! Finally.

Kaleb continues to grow and develop like a dandelion.

He's fiesty and loving, perfecting his sloppery, two-tooth-crunching kiss (he tries to fit your entire face in his mouth while the sweet-talks you, stares you down and pulls your hair). We may have to refine his courting moves after puberty...

He's become a very strong at his standing, often hanging onto the side of crib for an entire episode of Franklin or Comfy Couch. He's quite the little opportunist for getting into position, adeptly manipulating the nearest person into setting him up. I think we have a future climber of every THING.

He's also a rockstar. Quite an array of music charms his ear and he can often be seen bobbing his little head in time to either a noisy toy or a commercial jingle while he plays. The music lady maintains #1 Visitor Position. He loves to sing along and shake his noise-makers while bouncing and rocking out on the nearest knee.

He's still thinking about crawling. The card table is his fall-back manoeuvre but he's caught on to the grab and pull move. He's charted every inch of that crib.

Ironing Out Inevitable Wrinkles - HEAVY post

2009-10-25T19:25:00.000-07:00

The machine wizzed and whirred beneath my feet. I held my shoulders back, core solid and swung my legs hard, pelvis as open as I could with toes pointing forward. ONE. TWO. ONE. TWO. The treadmill absorbed the punishment I slammed out the bottoms of my feet. If only I could pound my haunting depression out so easily! I willed it with EVERY. SINGLE. STOMP!

This derailment of my family's serene, humble little path seems to have nudged me toward the edge of the precipice. I am ANGRY. I am confused. I am lost. My self as I know how to be fixes things. She carves her dreams out of life and celebrates every tiny victory of every tiny being. She stands at the top of her mountain and reaches down for anyone scrambling to share the view. She laughs into the wind and dances in the rain.

Oh man, am I angry. I detest being this pathetic, ineffective, ungracious little gnat. I am confused. I am so fortunate to have such an amazing life... more than I even knew what or how to dream of. I worked hard to effect what I wanted and when life picked me up into a whirlwind of amazing journeys, I hung on tight and drank it all in like a starved dog. Then I got cocky. I was convinced that if a person just opened themselves up and threw every ounce of their positive energy out there, it would all come back. Sure, I did appreciate and cherish every little thing gifted to me, but I pitied those who could not find their own Utopia. Who am I to pity anyone? What gave me the right to shake my head for any reason?

I am surrounded by crumbling health and tumbling hearts. There is just nothing like watching a child's health be battered before helpless parents' eyes.

I hide, as best I can, myself from my husband. I know that it is not functioning as a true team, as we promised to be to each other through this. All the man ever wanted out of life was a solid little family. The least I can do for one who lays his entire self in my hands, is give him that. I've always felt that my hands were just too small to hold him all, and yet, I find myself impossibly more ill-equipped, of late. He's had so, so much to carry, himself. There should be a quota... "Any one person on this Earth is entitled to only so many life trials". Only, I haven't had to suffer very many, myself. Maybe I'm the one throwing the curve...

Clearly, I've got a mere fingertip on this edge of my sanity. I dance a little dosie-doe with my solid logic and emotional turmoil all day long. I know, for instance, that there are just as many happy stories on our floor as there are not. We are one such story and I feel some guilt but more relief about that. I also know that it's the constant pressure of our situation, combined with a stalled professional pursuit that's dipping me down into this black pool. I have been working, in some fashion, toward my goals since I was 13 and had no goals, other than climbing up onto the back of the nearest horse. Additionally, I know that I have endless love and support from a massive and formidable network of family and friends. Most of all, I know (I HOPE) that I will return to myself when this all blows over and life settles into a mundane routine. I will NEVER again wish for the tiniest second for something exciting to shake things up. Now that "I" is no longer just me, this kind of happenstance has massive reverberating effects.

Part of me still wonders if all that positive self I was tossing about willy-nilly earned us some points... we're definitely going to get through this - in some respects better off than we went in. What exactly is the "Power of the Universe"? I am way too small for questions so massive.

Our man is doing well, by the way. Tackling a little digestive bug and losing some weight, but is in fiesty good spirits and continuing to hold his own. He is our rock.

Another Surgery

2009-10-23T16:08:00.000-07:00

One of his Central Lines blocked up on us this week. Repeated attempts to get it flowing again failed and the call was made to pull it. He's due to go under for his routine Spinal and Biopsy in another two weeks, but they feared infection before then. He sailed through the 20 minute procedure, as usual. Dealing with only one line is almost as much a relief as having the opportunity to watch one site heal... I can't help but latch on to and treasure the false feeling of being that much closer to the end.

My stomach churns when I think of all that his little body is going through to eradicate this monster. Before he is one year old, he will be older than I am. There are those who rage that traditional medicine is an unnecessarily toxic method of battling cancer, that a better way to go about it is to build the body up nutritionally. While every fibre of my being screams at what's being done to him, my rational wizard knows there's nothing we could have done better to avoid this situation to begin with. I can't, from our experiance, lend credence to the whole "build from within" approach. Additionally, this type of Leukemia doesn't give us time for such a laid-back action plan. It hits hard and fast, and so must we.

I often have the sensation of jumping off a cliff without my eyes.

Yet Another Amazing Performance

2009-10-18T18:39:00.000-07:00

I was worried that this stronger round of chemo would slow him down, but there's just no doing it! The doctors keep shrugging their shoulders and shaking their heads.

Almost as soon as he hit that crib mattress, he was practicing his crawling. I just love watching him wabble back & forth on all fours like a cheap card table! It's his new favourite ride. He even managed to push himself back up into a sitting position at one point, though we've yet to see the fluke again.

A shot of his practice work:

A typical sequence of Kaleb faces:

Some snapshots of our stay at home this round...

2009-10-14T14:50:00.000-07:00

This is my toy bin.
My favourite dance. I'm a little tea pot...

These are my toys!

Necessary Evils

2009-10-14T12:53:00.000-07:00

There’s something so emptying about watching your child submit to anaesthetic, as though your own life force drains right out the bottom of your being while you watch his vivacious consciousness fade. Eyes droop, chubby legs reluctantly give up their feisty activity and drop to the mattress, busy fingers still, as though someone pressed pause. Though I’ve watched many an animal go through this, I could not stay in the room for Kaleb’s little operation. He was in and out in less than 30 minutes, letting the world know at top volume that he did not appreciate the sneak-attack. Even while he was trying to re-establish his equilibrium, I could not relax. He downed an entire bottle and had a 10 minute power snooze only to burst awake, look around and let loose his signature screech, in three short bursts to say Hullo to all who were there. Not until then could I let loose the breath my entire body had been holding.

These bone marrow tests and spinal taps will occur every round and are performed there every day. My brain knows the logic of this situation, and yet I cannot force my emotions to reason it out.

Back in on Friday. I'm eager to pass the mid-point. This round will be shorter, but stronger. I'm hopeful that our little man can continue to hold up so well.

What a whopping storm today!

2009-10-09T14:38:00.000-07:00

Our first "snow" storm. It's in quotations because any real Manitoban knows it's not going to last. They're not real "snow" storms until the darned stuff doesn't leave.

Spent the better part of today in "Clinic" (turns out that's the most popular bouncing oncology word). Kaleb went 2 for 2 with his lines - damaged the right one yet again. The little turd is FAST with those hands! Thank goodness for the nurses. I don't say that enough. They're excellent on the ward during our stays and they've magically repaired the tricky tap into his little system both times, sparing us another surgery to do a re-install. Whew.

More tests on Tuesday. Spinal Tap and marrow biopsy Wednesday. Admitting and commence Round 3 on Friday. Giddy UP.

I've yet to come down from our last round. Three days home and I'm still strung tighter than a round bale. I don't really know why and feel sick to my stomach that I'm wasting this precious re-charge time rolling around in my own insidious emotions. It's just like staring at those gloating, glowing numbers at night, watching the hours tick by as you try to fall asleep. I've said before that I'm better at the in & out, that Patrick is the long-hauler. So true.

WE'RE HOME!!!

2009-10-06T16:53:00.001-07:00

Yet another surprise release!

Our first move once unloaded from the truck was to bundle him up for a walk through the bush...

Oh the cute clothes they have for kids!! He LOVED checking out scenery other than the ward!! The horses intimidated him a tad at first, but it wasn't long before he was sizing up their velvety noses!!

Kaleb's much more animated about his "new" old surroundings. He was very interested and happy to be here. Of course, having fallen asleep on Dad and then waking up by himself in his "new" old crib freaked him right out. A few minutes of snuggling with Mom and scoping out his "new" old room, a familiar bed buddy from the hospital and he was good to go back to sleep - thank goodness!

I never imagined how good it could be to be home.

2009-10-04T08:25:00.000-07:00

Wrapping up Round 2.

2009-10-04T08:10:00.000-07:00

He sailed through yet another treatment, even with a runny nose.

He's had one blood tranfusion, one platelet and is scheduled for another shot of blood before we leave.

I'm hopeful that we'll be out at the begining of this week, but it will likely be closer to the end.

We attached a strap to the front of his walker and take our laps around the ward like that. He LOVES the higher level of interactive play and everyone remarks on his hot new wheels.

He continues to wake up cheerily from almost every nap, maintains a fierce love of the bathtub (woe to anyone who calls an end to bathtime), and remains an active rider of the knee horse. He's perfected sitting up on his own and rarely takes an unintended dive for the mattress anymore. He's also cleverly figured out how to move from the sitting position to kneeling upright against the crib bars that are so delectable to taste. Thankfully, he has yet to figure out sitting up from a prostrate position. Still, as his energy picks up, so do the crib bars. This will NOT be one case of child-topples-from-crib. Apparently, the paperwork is exhausting.

the Man

2009-09-30T18:55:00.001-07:00

I'm a sniffling mess. You guys have such fantastic descriptions and really captured him in your words.

I've been really enjoying a side to our man that we don't get to see often. He's typically so busy flirting and exploring that cuddling is a rare and precious moment. I've always encouraged this independence, not wanting to create an insecure velcro-child. Due to his recent sinus issues, he's been feeling quite cuddly, choosing to sit quietly and play little nuzzling games rather than the rip-roaring antics he's famous for. You can bet this mom is lapping it up while it lasts!

He's still very good at playing on his own for up to 40 mins at a time. We're always impressed with the conversations he kicks up with his toys and the new angles he constantly invites us to join in viewing old things... shoes are very mysterious. Remote controls are truly a man's best friend, and plastic window blinds are fabulous dancers, when provided with a little 'batting' encouragement from chubby hands.

And the "starburst" move... that's a fabulous expression of frustration and/or delight. The monster pushes out all his extremities with as much energy as his little form can muster. His chubby fists close tightly, his toes point as far as they can and his face gets beet red. Sometimes his tongue is sticking out, sometimes both his eyes and mouth are shut. More often that not, he's slyly peeking out to watch for our reactions. Typically, his high-pitched Veloci-raptor screech announces the end and release of this particular pose. Goody.

It's true, he can only navigate backward in the walker. I do have to say though, that he's getting quite good at discerning just how to reach what it is he's aiming for. Not as acurate yet as his rolling escapades. This kid has truly mastered the landscape of his hospital crib. Whatever catches his eye is doomed as he quickly wiggles, rolls and stretches toward his goal.

He's a formidable challenge when it comes to "taking his vitals", or doing anything with him that brings new and unsual items within range. His hands are quicker than the eye and his mouth is always ready. The orifice of drool is constantly tasting and testing.

He did just cut his first tooth this week, with a second visibly chasing after it. He's sure to be a bottom-double-toother.

As for the slight evidence of a temper that might be seen once in a blue moon when things aren't going as he planned, well who can blame him? A girl's (or boy's) gotta express herself, after all. The poor kid's mother is totally unimpressed every time, though. She invented, patented and proliferated that particular strategy. Pish. Yous small potatoes, boy.

My absolute favourite trick has to be his sweet-talk. When he first started working on it, he would whisper back at me on the change table, which was just SO precious. Now, he's refined it down to a smile, gentle face touches and the tiniest voice as he curls and bubbles his little words through his chubby cheeks, past his hard-working lips. It's pure heaven, having his soft little hands flutter over my face or hands. Once in a while, he'll bestow on someone else his nice words and it just makes me melt. He puts so much effort into it, it's like the highest praise he can muster. I hope they appreciate the compliment.

A few people had enough time in their days to forward such wonderful thoughts of him... totally made me gush:

~~~

He's the kinda person who makes you smile no matter what. His smile lights up the room, makes you forget all your troubles, and allows you escape for just one second. It also allows you to forget he pooped on your pants :) I feel like he's an old soul in a young body. Like he's saying "Look at me. Look what I am going thru, feel no pity for me though, for I feel none for myself. Just put on a happy smile, deal with what was given to you, and enjoy every moment, and scream if you aren't".

~~~

Kaleb. He's an handsome little cherub all chubby and smiles. Every day he continues to amaze me with even cuter noises, funnier faces, or dazzeling feats of strength. He's a wonderful singer. When the song lady comes by, he joins in with is... vivacious "soprano" tone. It makes everyone smile. He's a heart breaker, the little boy who you put as your computer desktop image and show pictures of on your cell phone. He's that kid that you can't stop loving (which will probably get "gross" or "yucky" in ten years... or less.... *sniff*). He's the schmoozer, the charmer, the ladies man and love bug. Kaleb is the happy child that never seems to cry... unless you really desearve to hear it. He takes it all in stride, one step at a time, except only in reverse as his tiny legs can't reach the ground in his walker enough to move forward. Kaleb Emms is everything loving and perfect, a beautiful combination of both of his parents.

~~~

How do we describe this treasure? *My Darling Kaleb* has a personality all his own..quick to light up the room with his marvelous smile and instant delight at our arrival..holding his cherub arms high for his expected hello and Mamere(grandma) smooch..His sweet innocent baby smell I never tire of..his enjoyable *talking* and *singing* with glee...Kaleb is determined to *taste* everthing around him..from his delightful and grubby fingers and toes..every possible toy..visitors hands and hair..his crib bars have become his new favorite..any possible item within his extending grasp..quick to lather it up with baby drool and a quick munch with his brand-new first tooth! Yes, Kaleb knows what he wants..quick to have a *Hailie Fit* if his expected amusement stops..he loves to lock up his baby arms and legs while communicating his concern...

~~~

'strongmankaleb' has lived up to his name. . . in a nutshell, to me Kaleb personifies strength.Kaleb shows us everyday that strength is not measured by the weight of load our shoulders can bear, or the breadth of those shoulders to carry it, but by the grace with which we walk on, with our heads up and eyes ahead.That's what kaleb is to our family. Grace and enthusiasm, and perserverance wrapped in the innocence of childhood.What a gift he is to the world!

An Up-the-backer.

2009-09-28T19:25:00.001-07:00

Poor Auntie Hilary got pooped on. Yes, chemo does some grody things to the system and I'm sure our man Kaleb is enjoying all the funny sounds and faces people make when he pulls a gross little (or big) oopsie. It's either that, or he's far more clever than he should be.

I'm amazed at my continued reflex to all the baby advertising that surrounds us. Every single smiling, chubby child is a slap in the face with a knobby stick. I know... GET OVER IT, ALREADY. Believe me, I'm yelling at myself those very words every time. It's not so much that I fear we won't beat this. I feel in my core that we will. I suppose it's a lingering grip on my selfish greed for the "norm". No one says it. A few good friends do celebrate it. But more step on each other with their instinctual drive to have a child that one-ups everyone else's.

My logical ambition was to continue the momentum of my pregnancy. It was honestly the most wonderful event to occur to my body. I mentally documented and "freeze-framed" so much of how it felt at every stage and it all felt fantastic. I scoffed at video tapes depicting mournful women who had to suffer through C-sections. I could not imagine that they refused to appreciate the gorgeous, healthy children before them.

Then my own body's failure came to pass. I recall being ushered into the "high risk" wing, watching as those beautiful doors that lead to a fanciful wing of natural mothers disappeared around the corner. I was going the wrong way!! I was supposed to be lounging in the warm tub, surrounded by cheery decor and soothing music, with my own private room. I was supposed to labour, deliver and recover with my husband and child, all in the same room! During all those ridiculous pre-natal classes, I swallowed the one class on "oh, by the way" scenarios but I honestly never for one second believed that any of them might apply to me. After all, I was a natural at being a life-nurturing blimp.

There is no rest for the warrior birther, either. Before you even come down off the good stuff that gets you through the ordeal, they're pitching you your new squalling football. I was so intent on not fumbling the darned thing, with all these 20-something, never-done-anything-worthwhile nurses coaching you through one corner of their pert little mouths, while condemning your lack-luster efforts through the other, that I did not process anything other than "We made it!". Home we went, scrambling to try to establish a new routine and rhythm. While all this was humming along my surface, I did not even realise my inner struggle to accept such a gruesome detour. I almost understood the pathetic sobbing woman on the video with the healthy baby girl. Almost. I still wouldn't let myself examine too closely my own feelings of utter failure on the most important physical front of my life. I refused to invite the dark visitor of post-partum and I certainly have the capacity to embrace him, whole-hog. I instead focused on learning who this new spectacular little person was and oh how he has captured my attention!

With the birth dust mostly settled and my warrior's wound far-too-slowly healing, my heart and mind are obviously pulled in more important directions. It was, after all, One Day. One day that brought to us the most incredible, precious package of our lives.

We are so ecstatic, even now, to be sharing in his life. And that's what it's already become. *snap* just like that... he's too large not to have his own life, his own journeys... which I have to say, have certainly started off with a big bang.

I've received a very good suggestion, I think... Next post, all about who he is. If anyone wants to email contributions to this thought, I'd love to include them. Everyone's perspectives are so interestingly different.